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January 24, 2000

Braves Prepare for Heartbreaking World Series Loss

"Here we go again," says Turner

The Atlanta Braves began preparations last Tuesday for a heartbreaking loss in the 2000 World Series with the eighth annual "Choke-a-Thon" celebration in downtown Atlanta. The kickoff ceremony included a parade and a motivational speech from former major leaguer Bill Buckner.


Turner

"We are ready to once again dominate the league throughout the entire season, sweep our way to the NL Championship, and bend over like a prison bitch in the World Series," said team owner/half-goat Ted Turner. "This organization has established a tradition of winning, then choking horribly when it counts, and we're going to keep that tradition alive in 2000!"

The team has made several off-season moves to ensure devastating post-season underachievement, including the addition of outfielder Reggie Sanders. "I played in the post-season in 1995 (with the Reds), and I struck out 20 times," said Sanders. "I'm sure I can do the same for the Braves."

Turner also revealed that the Braves have already begun work on the strategy for this year's crippling World Series nightmare. "We plan to build a large lead in each game, then watch helplessly as the bullpen lets the lead slip through it's fingers. This will heighten the sense of bitterness and betrayal that Braves fans will feel," explained Turner. "It worked for us last year, so we're sticking with it."

Fast Fact: Braves pitcher Greg Maddux, who has been experiencing chronic rectal bleeding since 1998, has announced that he will appear in a commercial for Depends adult undergarments. The commercial will be aired during halftime of this year's Superbowl.


This Week: Bitch-Slap John Rocker!

Click on the photo and give Lil' Johnny what he really deserves!

Tests Results In:
Rocker Complete Shit-Heel

League-ordered psychological tests on pitcher John Rocker have revealed that the Braves reliever is, in fact, a complete shit-heel. "Usually, we can come up with some fancy, latin-sounding medical term to describe what's wrong with a patient," said Dr. Leon Kraft in a prepared statement. "But I think 'Shit-Heel' pretty much sums it up."

(For more on John Rocker, visit the Spitter Activity Page)

Owners Grant Selig New Powers

Baseball's owners voted unanimously last week to grant new powers to commissioner Bud Selig. These powers give Selig greater control of baseball's revenue-sharing program, as well as super strength, wall-crawling, and web slinging. "I promised my Aunt May that I would use my powers only for fighting evil-doers like Dr. Octopus, the Green Goblin, and Don Fehr," said the bookish Selig.


Selig

NLRB Ruling: Phillips Too Thin


Phillips

 The National Labor Relations Board denied former Major League Umpires Association president Ritchie Phillips' appeal on Wednesday, ruling that Phillips violated his contract when he allowed his body weight to fall below the minimum 365-pound limit. Phillips was dismissed in July following a random weigh-in that revealed he had dropped to a wispy 348 pounds.
"We umpires have an image to uphold," said MLUA spokesman John Hirschbeck, "He was making the rest of us look bad."

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