Griffey Survives Assassination Attempt

Griffey, moments before the attack

Seattle Mariners outfielder/marked man Ken Griffey Jr. narrowly survived an attempt on his life in Pebble Beach on Saturday. The would-be assailant is currently in police custody.

Griffey has received several death threats from disgruntled fans following his recent request to be traded from the Mariners to the Cincinnati Reds. However, this is the first time he has actually come into contact with an assailant. "But there's more of them out there," insists Griffey. "They're all around me, all the time."

The attack occurred while Griffey was playing golf in the AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro/Am in California. According to eyewitnesses, 11 year-old Jason David Keller approached Griffey as the slugger was preparing for his tee shot on the 15th hole. Keller was brandishing a baseball card and a small plastic cylinder with a pointed end.

The assailant's weapon

"Yeah, the little punk made a move on me," said Griffey via phone call from a concrete bunker in an undisclosed location. "He gave me this 'can I have your autograph?' crap, trying to look all innocent. But he had crazy eyes."

Luckily, Griffey was able to fend off the attack until help arrived. "I gave him a couple of shots with my 3-wood," said Griffey. "He wasn't so tough after that."

Keller was quickly apprehended and taken to a nearby La Petite Juvenile Correction Facility. He was not allowed to speak to the press. However, Keller's parents, Bob and Mary Jo Keller, expressed confusion towards their son's actions. "Griffey is Jimmy's favorite player," said Bob. "All he wanted was an autograph."

"Yeah, right," said Griffey when told of their statement. "They're just protecting him. They want to kill me, too."

Despite being shaken by this attack, Griffey has vowed not to let it affect his lifestyle. He will, however, be a bit more cautious in public places.

"I'm not falling for that 'autograph' trick again," said the paranoid superstar. "The next punk who asks me to sign something is gonna get a sandwedge jammed up his ass."

Fast Fact: Former Mariners GM/unholy nether-lord Woody Woodward actually traded Griffey to the Reds before 1999 season in exchange for "magic beans". The deal was nixed, however, when a confused Lou Pinella ate the beans and turned into a goat.

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Brooks was invited to the San Diego Padres camp last spring, but lost his roster spot to the hot-hitting Roy "I'm a-Grinnin'" Clark.

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*Statement is false.