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Top Stories of the Week
February 21, 1999

Reds Extend "No Facial Hair" Policy

Players Forced to Shave Eyebrows

Angered by the recent public outcry to lift the team's ban on facial hair, erstwhile Reds owner Marge Schott decided Thursday to extend the policy to include not only moustaches and beards, but eyebrows as well.

The official team policy, instated in 1967, states that "no player, manager, coach, or team representative is permitted to wear or grow facial hair, and must remove any facial hair growth deemed inappropriate by team ownership." While eyebrows are not specifically mentioned, Schott claims that they, too, are covered by the policy.

"For thirty years now, we have been lax in enforcing the rule," said Schott between dips of Skoal, "and our team's long, bushy, hippie-like eyebrows have been the laughingstock of the league. Well, that stops today."

Players who refuse to comply will be fined $250,000 per day. Repeat offenders will be traded to Montreal.

"And them Frenchies love hairy men," added Schott.

Reds players were understandibly outraged. "I can't shave my facial hair," said recently-acquired slugger Greg Vaughn. "Without my goatee, I look like that 'Hootie and the Blowfish' guy, and that's bad enough. God only knows what kind of freak I'd be without my eyebrows."

Vaughn
(eyebrows electronically removed)

Larkin

"This is the absolute worst," cried team captain Barry Larkin. "This organization has pulled some wicked @#$# before, but this tops it all. We're gonna look like the Chemotherapy All-Stars out on the field."

However, Reds catcher Ed Taubensee took a different view. "I don't mind shaving my eyebrows," said Taubensee, "but if they make me shave my back, there's gonna be trouble."

Taubensee

When told of the player's complaints, Schott replied, "Tough titty."

Reds manager Jack McKeon was busy constructing a Schottzie-sized guillotine and was unavailable for comment.

Fast Fact: Barry Larkin recently made his fourth demand to be traded this off-season, which brings his league-leading career total to 17.

In Other News:
Clemens Traded to Yankees
Selig decides to forego 1999 season, hands World Series trophy to Steinbrenner

Braves' Maddux to Miss Spring Training
Rectal bleeding has doctors baffled, teammates curious

Coleman Voids Griffey Trade
"I can't allow (Reds GM) Jim Bowden to continually exploit the weak and stupid," says NL Prez

Padres Sign Roy Clark

"Hee Haw" Plan Falling into Place, Says GM Towers

In an ever-increasing effort to satisfy disgruntled fans, the San Diego Padres signed country/western singer Roy Clark to a minor-league contract on Tuesday. Clark will report to Padres training camp in Peoria, Arizona later this week.

"It's a real thrill for me," said Clark from his rhinestone-laden home in Branson, Missouri. "I don't really follow baseball, but I'd do anything to get away from all the banjo-picking morons in this inbred town. You aren't going to print that, are you?"

Clark, a-grinnin'

Brooks	The move is the latest piece of what Padres GM Kevin Towers calls his "Hee Haw" plan for rebuilding the Padres. It comes hot on the heels of the team's signing of chubby country superstar Garth Brooks to a minor- league contract last week. Said Brooks of the Clark signing, "Yee-ha! We gon' play us some basebawl!"
Several other moves are in the works, and if all goes well in spring training, the Padres opening day lineup could showcase the baseball talents of Brooks, Clark, Travis Tritt, Randy Travis, and Clark's longtime double-play partner Buck Owens.

"These players bring us something we were missing last season -- quality entertainment," said Towers while puffing on a corn cob pipe. "Sure, we were NL champs last year, and we had Greg Vaughn hitting monsterous home runs and Kevin Brown striking out every one in sight, but what we didn't have was good, wholesome entertainment for the whole family."

The Padres are planning to capitalize on their recent acquisitions by featuring a country music concert following every home game. In addition, the team has planned several country-themed promotions throughout the season, including "Whittlin' Night," in which the first 5,000 fans will receive an official Padres pocket knife and cedar twig; "Skoal Night," in which fans get to challenge players to a "spittin' contest"; and "See LeAnn Rimes Nekkid" night, during which one lucky fan will win an 8x10 glossy photo of the buxom singer, taken through a drill-hole in her dressing room at the Grand Ol' Opry.

Towers hopes that the novelty of watching popular country/western musicians embarass themselves in public will win back the affections of fans angered by the team's recent efforts to unload high-priced talent like Vaughn, Brown, Ken Caminiti, and Steve Finley.

"Besides," added Towers, "we couldn't sign any real players, so we had to figure out a way to get people to the ballpark. And if some idiot wants to spend his hard-earned truck-driving wages watching a bunch of brain-dead hicks play ball, that's fine with me. You aren't going to print that, are you?"

(Story by Jeremy Wilhm & me)

Towers seeks to tap into the "unwashed, cow-tippin' hayseed" market

Related Stories:
Padres Announce Further Changes

National Anthem to be replaced by rousing chorus of "Where, Oh, Where Are You Tonight?"
Team uniforms modified to include price tag dangling from hat

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