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February 29, 2000 |
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I wrote the name of each National League team on a 3 x 5 inch notecard. I then divided up the notecards into 3 piles, one for each division. Every morning, I placed a different pile in front of Shadow's food bowl. At night, I gathered up the cards and, based upon where Shadow had moved them and what he had done to them, I ascertained his prediction as to how each team would perform in the upcoming season. If Shadow treated the card well, it indicated that the corresponding team would perform well. The worse he treated the card, the worse the team will perform. The results are listed below in the following format: Team name - location of card; condition of card -- PREDICTION NL West Arizona Diamondbacks - found tucked away in Shadow's cat bed; undamaged -- DIVISION WINNER Colorado Rockies - found near Shadow's food bowl; corners slightly chewed, but no heavy damage -- SECOND PLACE, WILD CARD CONTENDER San Francisco Giants - found floating in water dish; very soggy -- DISTANT THIRD Los Angeles Dodgers - found under the kitched table; a large hairball had been hacked up on it -- WEAK FOURTH San Diego Padres - found buried in litter box; slightly soiled -- LAST PLACE NL Central Cincinnati Reds - found in the middle of the living room floor; Shadow was purring and licking it fondly. When I attempted to pick it up, he hissed at me and scrached my hand -- FIRST PLACE, WORLD SERIES CHAMPION Pittsburgh Pirates - found in a corner of the guest bedroom; Shadow had sprayed his scent upon it, marking it as part of his territory -- SECOND PLACE, WILD CARD WINNER St. Louis Cardinals - found in the laundry room next to the dryer; the upper left corner was chewed off, but it was otherwise untouched -- THIRD PLACE, WILD CARD CONTENDER Houston Astros - found underneath the dryer; had several bite marks, scratch marks, and a filthy paw print -- DISAPPOINTING FOURTH Chicago Cubs - found buried in litter box; heavily soiled -- PATHETIC FIFTH Milwaukee Brewers - never found -- LAST PLACE NL East Philadelphia Phillies - found in the laundry room; a large quantity of catnip had been spilled on it, and Shadow was passed out nearby -- DIVISION CHAMPION, NL RUNNER-UP Montreal Expos - found in the hall closet; Shadow had placed it neatly on top of a dead mouse -- SECOND PLACE, WILD CARD CONTENDER Florida Marlins - found in the living room under the couch; Shadow had somehow wadded the card into a ball and was using it as a plaything -- THIRD PLACE MIRACLE New York Mets - found buried in litter box, encased in giant mound of clumping litter; extremely soiled. I had to use a hammer and chisel to remove it -- FOURTH PLACE, WHERE THEY BELONG Atlanta Braves - found behind toilet in guest bathroom; Shadow had apparently eaten, vomited, and re-eaten the card. A portion of it became lodged in his intestine, and I had to take him to the vet to have it removed -- LAST PLACE, WORST RECORD IN BASEBALL (Shadow writes a daily column for ESPN.com under the name Rob Neyer.) COMING SOON: Philo the hamster predicts the AL pennant race. |
Although Strawberry could not "remember" the name of the "doctor" who prescribed the "medicinal" cocaine, he downplayed the drug test results. "I'm surprised the cocaine even showed up. The pot and heroin should have completely masked it." The commissioner's office recently banned Strawberry from baseball for one full year due to his repeated violations of baseball's drug policy. However, Strawberry has reportedly accepted an offer to play for the Columbian national team. Details were not available, but it is believed that Strawberry's salary will be in the range of twelve kilos/year.
Gonzalez Signs One-Year Deal
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| Florida Marlins reliever Dan Miceli was injured last week while defending Earth against alien invaders. Miceli, who sustained minor cuts to his pitching hand, bravely fought off hoard of otherworldly attackers, saving the planet from certain doom. | |
"There were two dozen, err..., hundred of them," a shifty-eyed Miceli told reporters at a press conference. "They all had knives." Miceli had originally claimed that his injuries were the result of a bar fight, later revealing that he sustained the wounds during a scuffle with his own brother. However, on Sunday, Miceli admitted that he had fabricated those stories. |
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| "I was afraid no one
would believe me," said Miceli while
avoiding eye contact. "But it was
aliens. They were eleven-teen feet tall
and they looked like giant spiders,
err..., wolverines. I fought them off all
by myself. If you think about it, I'm
really a hero! Yeah, that's the
ticket." Miceli then ended the press conference and returned home to spend time with his wife, Morgan Fairchild. |
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(Special thanks to Jeremy Wilhm for his contributions to this issue of The Spitter.)
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