Spitter 10

Selig Announces Realignment Plan

MLB commissioner/former showgirl Bud Selig annnounced on Wednesday that he had devised a landmark plan to realign the current structure of Major League Baseball. Selig's plan involves moving many teams to new divisions and forcing some to switch leagues.

"Baseball has grown stagnant and dull in the six years since the last realignment," said Selig from atop his goat-shaped golden throne. "My ingenious plan will take baseball to extravagant new heights."

Under Selig's plan, the existing National and American League divisions would be completely restructured. The National League would consist of four divisions with four teams each, while the American League would be made up of two five-team divisions and one four-team divisions.

Selig

The NL division structure would be based upon uniform color, with Red, Blue, Black, and Other divisions. "For decades, fans and baseball scholars alike have been debating over which is the best team wearing blue, or red, or black," said Selig while performing auto-fellatio. "We want to keep those traditional rivalries intact."

In order to balance all four divisions, several teams would have to make adjustments. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays would move from the AL to the NL Black division, where they would join the Rockies, Giants, and Pirates. The Dodgers would switch to crimson uniforms and play in the Red division against the Phillies, Cardinals, and Astros. To accommodate the Dodgers' move, the Cincinnati Reds would become the Cincinnati Greens and play in the Other division, along with the Diamondbacks, the Marlins and the Braves, who would wear pink chiffon evening gowns.

In Selig's new American League, divisions would be based upon team wealth. The Yankees, Orioles, Indians, Red Sox, and Rangers would play in the "Nordstroms" divison. The "J.C. Penney's" division would consist of the White Sox, Blue Jays, Mariners, Angels, and Tigers, while the Brewers, Royals, Twins, and A's would face off in the "K-mart" division.

The Nordstroms divison would send three teams to the playoffs each year, and the winner of the Penney's division would also make the post-season. The K-mart division would not be allowed to send a team into the playoffs. Said Selig, "It would be unfair to allow a cheapskate, underdog team of rookies, youngsters, and overachievers make the playoffs while other owners spend millions of dollars for that privilege. Besides, no one wants to watch the Royals play. Not now, not ever."

Padres' Martin to Star in Sitcom

San Diego Padres outfielder/devout Mormon Al Martin has agreed to star in a new sitcom based loosely upon his life. The show, entitled, "Two's a Bitch," will feature Martin as a successful baseball player who accidentally marries two different women. Zany misadventures follow as Martin tries to keep his wives, his teammates, and his nosey landlord Mr. Furley (played by Don Knotts) from finding out the truth.

Martin

The show will begin airing on the WB network next fall.

Bagwell Grows Mosquito Trap

Bagwell

In an effort to combat insects in the Houston Astros' new open-air stadium, first baseman Jeff Bagwell has agreed to grow a mosquito trap. The trap, measuring seven inches in length, will be used to capture mosquitos, gnats, and other flying insects that are sure to infest Enron Field, the Astros' new home.

"Them 'skeeters grow up pretty big down hereabouts," said Bagwell. "Some of 'em get purty near 4 inches long. But this here trap'll ketch 'em good."

When asked how he plans to dispose of the insects caught in the trap, Bagwell responded, "I'll have Maw skin 'em and throw 'em in the kettle. Them's good eatin'."

Last issue, the Spitter brought you NL predictions for the coming season, as rendered by my cat Shadow. This issure, we planned to present AL predictions by Philo the hamster. Unfortunately, while attempting to predict the outcome of the AL Central Division, Philo suffered a heart attack and died.

We at the Spitter will miss Philo deeply. He brought joy and laughter to us all.

The Spitter staff must regretfully postpone the AL predictions article until one of us has the chance to go to the pet store and purchase a replacement Philo.

(Special thanks to Kevin Batchelor for his contributions to this issue of The Spitter.)