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April 8, 1999

"Elton John" Surgery a Success

Twenty-one year old phenom Kerry Wood underwent successful surgery this week, and doctors say he is well on the road to recovery.

The Cubs ace, who ruptured the ulnar collateral ligament in his pitching elbow during spring training, underwent the controversial "Elton John" surgery in Birmingham, Alabama on Tuesday. During the twelve-hour procedure, a ligament engineered from the popular singer/pianist's DNA was transplanted into Wood's right elbow. As part of the procedure, Wood's teeth and vocal chords were also altered and a pair of rhinestone glasses were welded to the bridge of his nose.

"It was touch-and-go for a little while," said surgeon Dr. James Andrews,"but once we got the wig attached, it was smooth sailing."

When asked how long it would be before he could start pitching again, Wood replied, "I think it's gonna be a long, long time. But I guess that's why they call it the blues."

Wood went on to announce plans to record a tribute to late Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray entitled "Budweiser in the Wind." Wood then ended the press conference by saying goodbye to Norma Jean and the Yellow Brick Road.

Cubs GM Ed Lynch admitted that he had initially expected Wood to have "Tommy John" ligament replacement surgery. "But this will be a nice change of pace, especially in the locker room" said Lynch. "Hell, he's already sent flowers to every player on the team."

Elton John was busy recording "Slider in the Wind: A Tribute to Kerry Wood" and was unavailable for comment.

Fast Fact: Wood has requested that the Cubs alter their uniforms next year to include two-foot tall Victorian wigs and dinner jackets covered with ostrich feathers. Team officials have yet to comment.

In Other News:

Strawberry Cleans Up Streets
"I vow to personally remove all drugs and prostitutes from the inner city," says coked-up slugger

Yankees Lose Three in a Row
Clemens demands to be traded to a contender

Wohlers Demoted to Tee-Ball
Former Brave walks 5 in debut

Historic International Clash Brings Baseball to Third World

Building upon the success of recent games in Cuba and Mexico, Major League Baseball continues its international outreach program today as the New York Mets begin a 3-game series in Canada.

The series is the result of heavy negotiations between MLB commissioner and pop star Bud Selig, Mets owner Nelson Doubleday, and Canadian dictator Jean Chretien.

"This is a major step towards a newfound openness between our two nations," said Selig while riding on the back of a fat man. "Baseball is the vehicle through which we can learn about each other, share our cultures, and perhaps achieve understanding."

Several human-rights organizations have protested the series, saying that it validates the oppressive military government of Chretien. However, Selig insists that there are no political motivations involved.

"We're doing it for the sake of the people," said Selig. "By bringing baseball to the Great White North, we hope to expand the horizons of those poor, uneducated Canadian heathens."

The games will be played in the village of Montreal and will feature the Mets taking on a team of international players living in Canada. The team, called the "Expos", has reportedly been in existence since 1984, but has never competed at the major-league level.

Mets players are excited about the opportunity to take baseball north of the border.

"I'm gonna get me some of that native trimm," said catcher Mike Piazza.

"I always thought Montreal was in Wisconsin," said outfielder Brian McRae, "but I guess it's in a whole other country."

"It will be a different experience for most of us," said pitcher Al Leiter, who lived in Canada for a brief time. "There will be some difficulties at first -- I think they speak German or something up there. But once we start playing, all the differences will be set aside, and we will be able to communicate through spitting, scratching, and fist-pumping. Baseball truly is the international language."

Related Stories:
Baseball Fever Sweeps the Globe

• Swedish national team pummels Twins 23-2
• Steinbrenner scours Asia in desperate search for the next Irabu

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