Tigers Open Comerica Park

Comerica Park, the Detroit Tigers new $300 million dollar stadium, opened to a sellout crowd last Tuesday. The 40,000 seat stadium is considered to be the most fan-friendly of all the new ballparks opening this year.

Included among the many amusements are a ferris wheel, a carousel, a "liquid fireworks" water fountain, a roller coaster, a riverboat casino, a Renaissance-style jousting arena, and a pistol firing range.

Fans who actually wish to attend the game are treated to a 500,000-watt stereo system, which blasts N'Sync and Backstreet Boys songs between innings. On-field action is shown on a gigantic 100-foot Jumbotron, which will be tuned to "Dharma and Greg" when the Tigers are losing.

When asked if all the attractions would distract fans from the baseball game, Ilitch replied, "What is this 'baseball' thing you keep talking about?"

Fans, especially the youngsters, seemed to enjoy the spectacle. Said Adam Reynolds, age 7, "I rode the roller coaster, and the merry-go-round, and I got wet on the log ride. And I flipped Juan Gonzalez off, and told him to suck it. I had a good time today."

While the Tigers are interested in attracting more casual fans, they have not forgotten to acknowledge team history. Prior to the game, the team honored former Tiger greats Kirk Gibson, Lou Whitaker, and Chet Lemon. Following the ceremony, Gibson, Whitaker, and Lemon returned to their regular jobs in the left field concession stand. "It's nice to know that we haven't been forgotten," said Whitaker while making change for a twenty.

The Tigers capped off the opening of the stadium by beating the Seattle Mariners 5 to 2. Unfortunately, the day was not completely incident-free. Mariners first baseman John Olerud suffered minor bites and lacerations when he fell into the shark tank near the Tigers' dugout while chasing a foul ball . Olerud is listed as day-to-day.

Griffey Demands Lucky Sandwich

Cincinnati Reds superstar center fielder Ken Griffey Jr., batting only .186 this season, has demanded that his lucky sandwich be returned to the menu of the Reds clubhouse cafeteria.

Griffey originally accepted the cafeteria's decision and began eating ham on rye, which was his father Ken Griffey Sr.'s favorite sandwich. However, his recent slump has led him to demand that his lucky sandwich be reinstated.

Team officials have been reluctant to comply with the request. Said Reds GM Jim Bowden, "The sandwich was retired to honor Tony Perez. We are not going to bring it back. Junior needs to accept this and begin exploring other alternatives. Perhaps some lucky cole slaw or lucky beans and franks would do the trick."

Griffey was busy having a Blimpie franchise built in his locker and was unavailable for comment.

Cardinals Announce Plans for New Stadium

In an attempt to keep pace with virutally every other MLB franchise, the St. Louis Cardinals released plans on Saturday to build a new downtown stadium. The $350 million ballpark could open as soon as 2004.

While these dimensions are significantly smaller than MLB rules (Rule 104, Note A) allow, Cardinals Managing General Partner William DeWitt, Jr. believes that the commissioner's office will grant an exception. "I've got photos of Bud Selig molesting a donkey," said DeWitt. "We'll get our approval."

Selig was busy visiting a local petting zoo and was unavailable for comment.

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