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October 2, 1998

The Wonder Pump: McGwire's Power Tool

St. Louis Cardinals first baseman and newly-crowned home run champion Mark McGwire has admitted to using a performance-enhancing device to aid his physical training regimen. McGwire, who also uses the controversial drug Androstenedione, claims that this new device provides him with longer, more well-rounded workouts. While the device, known as the Wonder Pump, is not illegal, many retail stores refuse to sell it, and it is available only in specialty shops or through mail order.

Ejacoburst, Inc., manufacturer of the Wonder Pump, insists that the device is not harmful. "The Wonder Pump is an excellent way to improve and enhance the body," said company spokesman Jim Dangler. "The average user will experience a 20 to 25% increase in size after only ten days, with no harmful side effects. And it's fun to use, too!"

Critics of the Wonder Pump insist that the device provides no real benefit to the user. "I bought the thing and used it for three weeks, and it gave me blisters," said Kurt Stubble, a guy who lives alone.

McGwire disagrees. "I think it’s great," said the mammoth slugger. "Every time I’m up, I can feel more and more power. And it has really improved my stroke. I used to go deep, but now I can go even deeper."

Fast Fact: Mark McGwire's typical pre-game ritual includes 30 minutes of stretching, 20 minutes of weightlifting, and two hours of back-shaving.

Coming Next Week:

Omar Vizquel Joins NWO Wolfpack
"I'm bowdy-bowdy and rowdy-rowdy," insists Vizquel

Cubs Make Playoffs
Seas Turn to Blood, Morandini Begets a Jackal

American League president Gene Budig announced yesterday that, beginning next season, several pitches that have been deemed "tricky and/or deceptive" will no longer be legal.

"The time has come to level the playing field," said Budig in a prepared statement. "For years, both leagues have condoned the use of questionable pitches, and umpires have allowed pitchers to throw them despite their obvious effect upon the outcome of games. Starting next season, we're going to put a stop to it."

Included among the list of newly-banned pitches are the knuckleball, the split-fingered fastball, the slider, the sinker, the curveball, the changeup, and any fastball travelling over 85 miles per hour. According to the new rule, any pitcher caught throwing these pitches will be fined $50,000 and instantly ejected from the game.

Commissioner of baseball and international playboy Bud Selig has given his approval to the rule change. "I think it's good for the game," said Selig from his multi-million dollar underwater lair. "Offense sells tickets -- we've all seen the impact of McGwire and Sosa at the box office. Just imagine how exciting games will be without all those nasty pitchers trying to exploit and embarrass the hitters. God, I love this game."

In order to accommodate what has been dubbed the "no foolin' rule", additional rule changes have been adopted by the A.L. Each half-inning will now be played on a five-minute timer. Teams will be allowed to bat until three outs are recorded or the timer runs out, whichever comes first. A ten-run "skunk rule" has also been added to shorten blowout games.

"This way, games will only be about an hour and a half long," said Budig. "The shorter game length will bring the casual fan to the ballpark more often, meaning more revenue for the teams. This will bring about a new "Golden Age" of baseball, and I will be elected Smartest Man on the Planet."

Hardcore fans do not share Budig's enthusiasm. "Someone will pay for this," shrieked baseball analyst and historian Peter Gammons. "My vengeance will be swift and cold. Beware the Reckoning, Budig!"

Related Stories:

Player Migration - Pitchers To Leave AL, Hitters To Leave NL

• Tony Fossas - new Yankees ace
• Ozzie Guillen to bat cleanup for retooled Braves

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