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| Ramirez to
Conduct "Virtual Fielding" Clinic
Manny Ramirez displays his Virtual Fielding technique during the ALCS Skillet-handed Indians outfielder Manny Ramirez has announced that he will be conducting a clinic on what he calls "Virtual Fielding" in early November. The clinic will teach youngsters the essential skills involved in Ramirez's renowned fielding philosophy, including proper positioning, tobacco-wad maintenance, and the art of falling down. "There are a lot of kids out there who want to play outfield like me, but have no idea where to start," said Ramirez between dips of Skoal. "They need to learn the basics -- my way -- to avoid making costly and embarrassing errors. This is the basic principle behind what I call 'Virtual Fielding'. "At my clinic, I will explain my own ideas for dealing with specific Virtual Fielding problems. For example, catching the ball can be very difficult. My advice is to let the ball hit the ground and keep your distance in case it bounces or rolls. Wait until it stops moving before you try to pick it up, which will greatly improve your chances of holding on to it." The clinic will last one week and will feature several guest speakers, including Gary Sheffield, Rusty Staub, and Lonnie "Skates" Smith. "These guys are my mentors," explained Ramirez as he stared confusedly at a small, round, horsehide-covered object on the ground beside him. "They are the inspiration for my whole Virtual Fielding philosophy. I just wish Bill Buckner could have made it." Buckner is currently living in Montana under an assumed name and was unavailable for comment.
Fast Fact: Manny Ramirez consumes 18 pounds of tobacco each day, placing him third in the league behind Angels reliever Troy Percival (36 lbs.) and Reds owner Marge Schott (21 lbs.)
In Other News: Brooklyn
Gangsta Proves Pitching Phenom Braves
Lose NLCS |
Pirates Sign
Bichette Dante's Brother Brings Good Breeding, Criminal Record to Offense-Starved Bucs
Virgil Bichette (State's Exhibit 14-A) The desperate-for-offense Pittsburgh Pirates took a gamble this week, signing free-agent outfielder Virgil Bichette to a seven-year, $40 million contract. Bichette, older brother of Rockies outfielder Dante Bichette, has never played baseball at any level, but will nevertheless join the team for spring training. "We're betting on genetics, here," rationalized Pirates GM Cam Bonifay. "(Virgil) comes from the same stock as Dante, so I'm sure he'll be a fine player." Bonifay went on to announce the acquisition of veterans Mike Maddux, Chris Gwynn, and Ozzie Canseco. Pirates scouts first noticed Bichette during the team's recent trip to Sauget, Illinois to play an exhibition game against the Sauget Snatch, a local semi-pro team. Bichette, at the time employed as a drunken thug at the Loose Lips Bar and Entertainment Center, approached advance scout Steve Balboni and asked to borrow fifty dollars. When Balboni refused, Bichette produced a 40-ounce Louisville Slugger and proceeded to beat Balboni about the head and torso. "Somethin' 'bout tha' swing," drooled Balboni from his hospital bed, "r'minded me of a young Dave Kingman. Blog floot schepp greeee." Bichette will become baseball's newest two-sport athlete, having won three consecutive overall championships in the Leavenworth Prison Rodeo. He is also an accomplished locksmith and a fully-licensed Bikini Inspector. But Pirates management insists that Bichette is dedicated to baseball. "He's committed to us," affirms Bonifay. "At least until he finishes his community service hours." Bichette was being held for questioning and was unavailable for comment. Related Stories: Steinbrenner Conducts Midnight Raid on Attica Penitentiary
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