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November 17, 1998

Injury Forces Davis to Retire Paper Cut Proves Too Much for Outfielder to Overcome

Free agent outfielder Eric Davis decided to call it a career yesterday after suffering the latest in a long string of injuries. Davis leaves the game after a fourteen-year career highlighted by several All-Star appearances and a world championship with the Cincinnati Reds in 1990.

This latest injury, a three-eights inch paper cut on the anterior of his left thumb, was the last straw for Davis, who insists, "It really hurts."

Davis suffered the injury last week while signing autographs at Children's Mercy Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland. The cut occurred while Davis was handing an 8x12 glossy photograph to a nearby child. He was able to continue with the autograph session but collapsed in pain the moment it was over.

"It really hurt," said Davis of the paper cut. "After I did it, I thought to myself, 'Is baseball really worth all this?'"

After consulting with local physicians, Davis flew to Los Angeles to see digital laceration specialist Dr. Tony Mutara. "It was the worst I've ever seen," said Mutara. "I advised Mr. Davis that he should not attempt to play baseball again and should spend the next several years in a hospital bed, preferably at the lovely Twin Oaks Memorial, which I happen to be a stockholder in."

Davis recovered from colon cancer in 1997 to hit .327 with 28 homers and 89 RBIs last year. However, the odds are long that Davis will attempt another comeback. "Beating cancer was one thing," said Davis in an emotional press conference, "but this is different. My thumb really hurts. I don't think I can ever get back into playing shape after a thing like this. I know I'll heal, but I'll never be the same.

"I regret having to leave the game I love," added Davis as he fought back the tears, "but my thumb really hurts."

Taking Their Toll
Listed below are some of the injuries suffered by Eric Davis in the past decade. The number of games missed is listed in parenthesis:

Nov. 15, 1998 - Paper cut on thumb (retired)
July 26, 1998 - Sore hamstring (6)
June 13, 1997 - Surgery to remove tumor from colon (90)
Sept. 4, 1996 - Mauled by dogs (4)
May 24, 1996 - Sore hamstring (7)
Aug. 17, 1994 - Herniated disk in neck (entire season)
June 7, 1993 - Hit by train (13)
July 10, 1992 - Sore hamstring (20)
May 23, 1992 - Broken rib (15)
May 18, 1992 - Mauled by dogs (2)
July 20, 1991 - Burned by acid in laboratory experiment (7)
Oct 20, 1990 - Perforated kidney (during Game 4 of World Series)
Aug 1, 1989 - Drawn & quartered at local Renaissance Festival (9)
June 28, 1989 - Sore hamstring (5)

In Other News:

Cubs Link Playoff Appearance to Carry's Death
Team plans to kill more announcers next year

Mariners Trade Griffey for "Magic Beans"
"This will surely make up for the Randy Johnson deal," insists GM Woodward.

 Royals Announce Stadium Sponsorship Deal

Continuing the recent trend towards corporate sponsorship of Major League ballparks, the Kansas City Royals today announced the sale of their stadium name rights to Beanie Baby Inc. The stadium, previously named in tribute to longtime team owner/philanthropist Ewing Kauffman and affectionately called "The K", will now be known as "The Mega-Beanatorium".

"We are absolutely delighted to have our name attached to the stadium next door to where the Chiefs play," said Beanie Baby Inc. CEO Dorothy Williams. "The Royals have a great tradition of winning. Hopefully, our little Beanie Babies can help them score some points. We are looking forward to a wonderful partnership, and many fabulous seasons of 'Hit the Ball with the Stick.'"

As part of the $100 million deal, the first 20,000 fans at every home game will receive a limited edition Beanie Baby and gift card. Team officials project that this promotion will increase average attendance to almost 22,000 per game.

Reaction across the Kansas City area was largely enthusiastic. In the hours following the announcement, hoards of couch-ridden domestics and greed-filled comic book store owners swarmed to buy tickets. "Oh my gosh, this is so neat!" shrieked Leawood, KS homemaker and new Royals season ticket holder Carol Blevins. "By this time next year, I'll be able to double my collection." Blevins said she is anxiously awaiting opening day, which will feature Spottie the Spotted Deer, as well as a baseball game of some sort.

Murray Randall, bulky owner of Murray's Kards and Kollectibles, says he has already purchased 15 pairs of season tickets, and is looking to buy more. "This is a huge profit opportunity for me," said Randall, gnawing on a chicken wing, "I can sell those Beanie Babies for upwards of $200 a pop." When asked if he actually planned to attend any games, Randall snorted and replied, "No, I've hired some of the guys from my 'Magic - The Gathering' club to do that."

With the revenue from the agreement, the Royals plan to make renovations to the ballpark itself, including replacing the famous outfield fountains with "Beanie Trees", where, according to team spokespersons, "new, wonderful Beanie Babies will be born and grow until they can find a special home with you." There are also plans to remove the centerfield scoreboard and replace it with the world's largest Beanie Baby, a giant polar bear named "Slappy".

Royals manager Tony Muser says the lack of the scoreboard will not present any problems for fans. "It's not like we're ever going to use the thing," said Muser. "Besides, nobody is gonna be watching the game anyway. They'll all be busy trading stuffed baboons or talking about 'Oprah', 'Ally McBeal', and The Bridges of Madison County."

Kansas City Royals players were busy sawing off their own limbs and were unavailable for comment.
(Story by David Lichius)

Related Stories:
Other Teams Follow Suit, Sell Stadium Names

• Fenway Park to be named after mouthwash
• Yankees will defend title in newly-christened Tampax Stadium

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