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| Steinbrenner
Announces Purchase of Runs, Outs Spendthrift New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner continued his relentless pursuit of victory yesterday, signing a landmark agreement with MLB Commissioner and Leonardo DiCaprio look-alike Bud Selig. The deal will permit Steinbrenner to purchase runs and outs for the Yankees during the 1999 season. Steinbrenner made the move despite the fact that the '99 Yankees will field virtually the same team that went 114-48 last season and captured the World Series crown. "Yeah, we won the Series," said Steinbrenner while taking a jewel bath in his diamond-encrusted hot tub, "but a lot of people overlook the fact that we lost nearly 50 games last season. I will not tolerate that kind of failure, and now I've done something about it." Steinbrenner has agreed to pay the sum of $750,000 for every out he wishes the Yankees to record. The outs will be purchased on a "pay-as-you-go" program, wherein Steinbrenner can buy as many outs as necessary per inning.
"If we happen to get into a tight spot, I can just write a check," said Steinbrenner while polishing his ruby-inlaid dentures. "We won't have to worry about Griffey or Gonzalez anymore, and our pitching staff can stay fresh throughout the season." Steinbrenner will also use his wallet to help the offense by purchasing runs for $500,000 apiece. "Runs are a little easier to come by," explained Steinbrenner while purchasing a roll of hand-woven silk toilet tissue. "That's why they're cheaper. Still, they'll come in handy when we go up against Roger Clemens and Pedro Martinez. I'll make their ERAs skyrocket!" Selig in strongly in favor of Steinbrenner's new deal. "It's great for the sport," drooled Selig. "Everybody loves a winner, and now Yankee fans will get to see a winner every night. Every single night." However, it may be more difficult for Yankee fans to actually get to see their team. Steinbrenner also announced that ticket prices will increase dramatically in 1999. Bleacher seats, priced at $8 apiece last season, will balloon to $1000 each this year. Club level seats will cost, according to the Yankees media guide, "more than a Lexus, but less than a Mercedes", and box seats will require the donation of one or more vital organs. "The price increase is necessary to cover the expense of winning," rationalized Steinbrenner while defecating on Babe Ruth's grave. "Besides, this will keep the poor from defiling my stadium. Which reminds me, I'm not letting the Royals play here, either." New Kansas City Royals owner Miles Prentiss was busy sifting through a garbage dumpster and was unavailable for comment.
Fast Fact: George Steinbrenner's hairpiece is made of genuine rat pelts and is valued at over $15. |
Mariners
Trade Griffey for "Magic Beans" The Seattle Mariners announced yesterday that All-Star centerfielder and future Hall of Famer Ken Griffey Jr. has been traded to the Cincinnati Reds for a handful of "magic beans." According to Mariners GM and eldrich high priest Woody Woodward, the beans will be used to grow "a whole forest of baseball-playing centaurs."
Reds GM Jim Bowden, who has shown a penchant for pulling off masterful trades, admits he was surprised by the deal. "We have been interested in Griffey for some time," said Bowden while bathing in champagne. "We called up the Mariners and made a preliminary offer of Barry Larkin, Pete Harnisch, and Denny Neagle for Griffey, but Woody rejected it. Instead, he insisted on this magic bean thing. Believe me, I wasn't about to argue." When asked where he acquired the magic beans, Bowden said that he found them at the checkout counter of a local grocery store. The beans, said Bowden, came in a small, clear, plastic container and were available in a variety of colors and flavors. When informed of the origin of the magic beans, Woodward bristled. "Do not mock the wisdom of the Dark Lords," he cried as thunderclouds gathered about his head. "They have guided my hand in all things thusfar. They will show me the way. Klaatu verada nictu!" The deal is the latest in a line of bold moves made by Woodward, including the Jose Cruz Jr.-for-Paul Spoljaric & Mike Timlin deal in mid-1997 and the Randy Johnson-for-No One in Particular swindle of last season. The trade comes on the heels of the recent Spoljaric-for-Mark Leiter deal. "It's part of our youth movement," explained Woodward. When reminded that, in each instance, the Mariners traded away younger players for lesser-skilled older ones, Woodward cackled and said, "That's right. We're moving those young bastards out. "The Dark Lords despise impudence," added Woodward before stepping through a rift in space/time. "The changes have just begun. Soon the seas will run red with the blood of my enemies." Lou Pinella was trapped in a nether-dimension and was unavailable for comment. Related
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