July 10, 2000

BREAKING NEWS -- Chisox Frank Thomas Eats Bud Selig Following All-Star Snub 

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Injuries Decimate
All-Star Rosters

Lemke, Jaha Named as Replacements

A rash of injuries to superstar players has left the AL and NL All-Star teams shockingly devoid of talent.  With Alex Rodriguez and Mike Piazza recently joining the list of marquee players such as Pedro Martinez, Ken Griffey Jr., Greg Maddux, Barry Bonds, and Mark McGwire, all forced to sit out the All-Star game due to injury, AL and NL managers are running out of options.

Both Rodriguez and Piazza suffered concussions last weekend and will be unavailable to play on Tuesday.  AL manager Joe Torre selected John Jaha of the Oakland A's to replace Rodriguez, while NL manager Bobby Cox named Mets infielder/homeless bum Mark Lemke as Piazza's replacement.

"I did what?" said Torre when asked about his decision.  "Man, oh, man.  Well, that's what I get for challenging David Wells to a drinking contest."

"I was planning on going to the game anyway," said Jaha when informed of the selection.  "I hear they hire a lot of extra beer vendors for the game, and I was hoping to make a few bucks.  But now that I'm actually on the team, it's just that much sweeter."

Jaha

Added Jaha, "Now I can finally get some big-leaguers' autographs."

Jaha arrived in Atlanta Monday afternoon.  While he was unable to participate in the "Home Run Derby", he did take third place in the "Weak Groundout to Second Base" contest later in the evening.

Lemke was signed by the Mets just two days before Piazza, the team's lone All-Star representative, was beaned, but Cox felt that he deserved the nod.  "While it's true that Mark has been out of baseball for two years, eating out of garbage cans and sleeping on park benches, I still think he's the best player on the Mets.

Lemke

"Besides," Cox continued, "he used to play for me in Atlanta, which earns him an automatic spot on the All-Star team."

Former Braves Otis Nixon, Bob Horner, and Rafael Ramirez were busy being fitted for uniforms and were unavailable for comment.

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