June 7, 2001

BREAKING NEWS -- Twins Still in First Place;  Locusts, Toads Fall From Skies - P.S. Happy Birthday, Sis!

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Expos Fire Felipe Alou, Hire Tom Green

 Baseball Genius Replaced by Canadian "Funnyman"

Mired in yet another dismal season, the Montreal Expos made a bold move last week, firing well-respected manager Felipe Alou and replacing him with MTV personality/ADD sufferer Tom Green.

Alou accepted the dismissal with his trademark quiet dignity.  "I've spent more than twenty years with the Expos.  It's a great organization, but it's time for me to break away and have some time to myself.  It's kind of a relief.  Now I can go on that killing spree like I always wanted."


Alou

"Mr. Alou had poured his heart and soul into the Montreal Expos over the years, and it saddens me deeply to have to dismiss him," said team owner Jeffrey Loria.  "However, that sadness melts away when I think of that time Tom Green milked that cow with his mouth."

Although Green has never managed, played, or watched professional baseball, Loria insists that he will be a competent replacement.  "Tom will bring the element of surprise to the ballpark," said Loria.  "He may run onto the field and dry-hump Vlad Guerrero.  He may put a marble statue of his parents in a Kama Sutra position on the pitcher's mound.  He may scream "gingerbread, gingerbread" over the PA system for the entire length of the game.  Anything he does is pure comic genius."


Green

Loria hopes that the excitement generated by Green will boost the team's league-worst home attendance.

"We Canadians don't care much for baseball, but if we get a chance to see a mildly retarded, twenty-something stoner eat goat vomit, we're there."

Green was busy smearing himself with his own feces and was unavailable for comment.

 
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