Oscar Gamble is in the Middle East to negotiate peace accords between Palestine and Israel. Until he returns, The Spitter will feature a variety of guest columnists to answer your questions.

This Week:

Ask Garret Anderson

Dear Garret,

I'm a high-paid latino slugger playing for a losing team in a large state in the Southwest. Recently, my team has been trying to trade me to contending teams. Ownership claims they are trying to trim payroll, but I think there is another reason. Why do you think they want to get rid of me?

Signed,
Happy in Texas.

Dear Happy,

We both know the reason your team is trying to get rid of you. You've had that same ridiculous comb-shaped caterpillar resting below your nose for the past ten years. Trim that sucker down to an elegant, pencil-thin pimpstache, and suddenly ownership will see you as a building block for the future. Plus you'd make a really cool Zorro for all your vato homeboys to look up to.

Dear Garret,

I'm the best player of my or any other generation, but a few weeks ago, I got attacked by the media for saying I was better than Babe Ruth. The stats prove I'm the man, but how can I convince the general public of my greatness?

Signed,
Bayside Barry

Dear Barry,

The general opinion is that you're great, but inconsistent. One season you're sporting some wicked Prince-esque bristles, and the next your face is as bald as the dad on "Roc". If I were you, I would stick with the pimpstache and watch those media hounds writhe around at your feet like Appolonia and Vanity.

Dear Garret,

I've just been traded to the Yankees. I'm excited to go to a contender, but I know they will make me shave my stylish goatee, and if I do, I'm afraid my stripper wife will leave me. Can you help me?

Signed,

Another Friggin' Boone

Dear Friggin' Boone,

The answer is simple. If your wife liked those bleached-blonde chin pubes you call a beard, I guarantee she'll go creamy as Cool-Whip over a nice, precise, black 'stach. And don't worry about Steinbrenner -- he talks a tough game, but once he gets a look at your wicked whiskers, he'll be all, "Yes, sir, Mr. Boone! Can I get you another bottle of Alize'?"

For more advice, visit Oscar's Archives.