Baseball Fever Grips Nation

Every spring, citizens of the United States suffer from an outbreak of Baseball Fever. Engineered by MLB scientists in the early 1980's, who encouraged us as a nation to "Catch It!", Baseball Fever is a virus that
strikes fans and non-fans alike on Opening Day, causing rabid devotion to the sport for almost one full week before going dormant for the remaining 11 months of the year.

While the disease is non-fatal, it has been known to
cause binge spending, excessive jersey-wearing, and false optimism, as well as other related symptoms listed below.

You may be suffering from Baseball Fever if:

• You don't mind paying $45 apiece for tickets to a Royals, Devil Rays, or Brewers game.

• You feign cardiac arrest to get out of work, then instruct the ambulance driver to swing by the stadium on the way to the hospital.

• You utter the phrase, "if we stay healthy, we've got a shot at the wildcard" more than seven times per day.

• You cheer when the opposing pitcher strikes out the side because he's on your fantasy team.

• You consider Opening Day a good excuse to begin drinking at 7:30 AM.

• You think jumping over the wall and running around in left field for five minutes will inspire the home team.

• You stop cursing at the jerk who cut you off in traffic because you notice his "Go Cardinals" bumper sticker.

• You intentionally ram the van in front of you because you notice his "Go Yankees" bumper sticker.

• You really believe that the all those veterans reported to spring training in "the best shape of their lives".

• You stayed up until 3 AM in a chat room debating the merits of the Pirates' new lineup, and you don't even like the Pirates.

• You won a Pete Rose Look-Alike contest, and you're happy about it.

• You spend $20 on 3 tubes of rat-flavored meat by-product because "there's nothing like a ballpark hot dog".

• You bring your glove to the stadium just in case the game goes into extra innings and they run out of pitchers.

• You don't know what Manny Ramirez looks like, but you just spent $135 for a jersey with his name on the back.

If you or someone you love exhibits these symptoms, remain calm. Within a week or two, you should forget all about baseball and return to your normal, humdrum life. However, if symptoms persist, you may be a legitimate
baseball fan. Contact The Spitter for information on counselling and support groups in your area.