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Bonds Tests Positive for Gamma Rays
“We’ve suspected for some time that Bonds was using performance-enhancing substances,” said Selig. “His on-field play was so far beyond anything we’ve ever seen before, we knew he had to have an unfair edge. Plus have you ever talked to the guy? He's just an ass.” In accordance with new league rules, Bonds will be suspended for ten games and fined $50,000. Bonds’ suspension will be served under the strict supervision of Thor, the Wasp, and Iron Man. Selig also confiscated several of Bonds’ bats, suspecting they may be corked with adamantium. Gamma rays are not illegal in the U.S. and can be obtained in moderate quantities by standing underneath a cell phone tower, but they are nevertheless banned by MLB, even though many doctors insist that they are not dangerous. "Gamma rays are a safe, legal way for athletes to attain their full potential," said Dr. Bruce Banner, who introduced Bonds to gamma radiation therapy during a nuclear weapons test in 1999. "There are absolutely no harmful side effects." Banner then shredded his clothes, smashed through a brick wall, and leapt nearly three quarters of a mile. Bonds protested Selig’s decision to test him, insisting that he had been unfairly singled out. “There are a ton of other players who have the same advantages as me,” said Bonds while bench pressing a dump truck. “Sammy Sosa was bitten by a radioactive spider back in 1998. Mark McGwire was caught in a storm of cosmic rays while piloting his friend Reed Richards’s homemade spacecraft prior to the 1996 season. And A-Rod once told me he was from Krypton.” When reminded that his protests don’t change the fact that he broke the rules, Bonds’ eyes turned white and he replied, "Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry." Bonds’ fellow players were stunned at the news. "I can’t believe it," said Mariners second baseman Brett Boone. "I’ve been using androstenedione for two years, thinking that was the best way to add muscle mass. Now it turns out, all I have to do is go to an atomic bomb testing range and get caught in the blast. What a sap I’ve been." “I guess this goes to prove that whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger,” said musclebound Reds outfielder Adam Dunn. “Forget Creatine -- I’m gonna start drinking drain cleaner before I work out.” Former NL MVP/admitted steroid user Ken Caminiti was busy searching for his microscopic testicles and was unavailable for comment. (Story by Bob Erle) |
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