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Indians Outfielder Breaks Cereal BarrierCleveland Indians outfielder Covelli “Coco” Crisp became the first-ever breakfast cereal mascot to play in the major leagues last week, breaking down a barrier of segregation that has lasted almost 50 years. Crisp’s contract was purchased on Thursday from the Battle Creek Frosting, one of the original Breakfast League teams founded in the late-1950s. He was among the league leaders in hits, stolen bases, and essential vitamins and minerals. “It's cocotastic to be here in the majors,” said Crisp, who stole a base and scored a run in his major league debut. "It's downright crispilicious!" Crisp then helped several young fans protect their sugary but nutritious breakfast from a clan of motile, amorphous blobs know only as "The Soggies." “Coco brings a lot to the table,” said Indians manager Joel Skinner. “He provides a spark at the top of the lineup that keeps us going all through the game, and he’s an important part of this balanced offense.”
The "situation" is Major League Baseball's unofficial "locker room" ban on breakfast cereal mascots, which it has held for decades. "The players just refuse to fraternize with us," explained Chocula. "It's been that way ever since I can remember -- they used to call us horrible names: 'flakes', 'puffs', even 'fruity pebbles.' Sadly, a lot of those same prejudices still exist today." According to other Breakfast Leaguers, those prejudices are widespread. “We played an exhibition game against the Detroit Tigers this spring,” said Seamus “Lucky” O’Halloran, second baseman for the General Mills Clusters. “Before the game, they didn’t provide the sixty gallons of milk we requested, and they refused to give us clean bowls and spoons. The Tigers were our catcher Tony's favorite team, but they wouldn't even let him take a photo with them. They said it was because of some licensing agreement, but we all knew the real reason.
Several teams have attempted integration in the past, but other cereal mascots who have tried to play in the majors have met with little success. In 1989, the Anaheim Angels invited Post Golden Smacks first baseman Steven “Sugar” Bear to spring training, but released him following a sucrose-induced mauling of teammate Wally Joyner. And in 1997, former Clusters outfielder Jack “The Rabbit” Merrill won a spot on the Phillies by disguising himself as a mustachioed Latin American. Unfortunately, his clever ruse was undone when teammate Doug Glanville offered him a bowl of Trix, triggering a horrifying Grand Mal seizure.
Crisp's cousin, Sonny "Cuckoo" Bird, was banned from the Breakfast Leagues in April following a two-week Coco Puffs binge. He is currently in rehab and unavailable for comment.
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