"El Duque Boys" Reunited in Montreal
The Montreal Expos acquired starting pitcher Livan Hernandez
from the San Fransisco Giants this week. The deal reunites
him with his half-brother Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez,
recently acquired from the Yankees.
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"It's great to be together again," said
Livan. "It's been a long time since we were just
two good old boys, spending our days driving around
the back roads of Cuba, running moonshine and staying
one step ahead of the law." He then slid across
the hood of an orange 1969 Dodge Charger, which the
Expos acquired as part of the trade.
"Yee-haw," added Orlando while climbing
into the driver-side window of the car, dubbed "El
General Lee".
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The El Duque Boys
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According to sources, both Livan and Orlando were involved
in a quite a bit of trouble while growing up in their hometown
of Hazzard, Cuba.
"I remember when they were trying to stop a smuggler
from framing our local sheriff, Roscoe," said their
cousin, incredibly hot waitress Daisy. "They almost
got killed when they jumped a broken bridge with their car
during the chase. They're much safer playing baseball. I
just hope they send me some money soon so I can stop working
at El Boar's Nest."
But while Orlando was able to lead a normal life, Livan
still retains a streak of recklessness, as evidenced by
his alleged attack upon an elderly warehouse owner this
past offseason.
"Livan was meaning no harm," said attorney Waylon
Vasquez of the incident, "but it was just a little
bit more than the law will allow.
"It beats all you never saw," added Vasquez while
strumming a banjo. "I'd say he's been in trouble with
the law since the day he was born."
Still, residents of Hazzard miss the boys' good-natured
charm and backwoods sensibilities.
"I hope they come back some day," said the boys'
Uncle Jesus. "After they left to play baseball, I had
to hire their cousins Coy and Vance to help out around my
house. Those sissies can barely lift their hairbrushes,
let alone a hay bale or an engine block. What the hell kind
of a name is 'Coy' anyway?"
The El Duque Boys said they would like to return home,
and are making plans to do so once they finish their baseball
careers.
"We have some unfinished business in Hazzard,"
said Livan while taping sticks of dynamite to hunting arrows.
"Roscoe has cooked up a scheme to catch Gloria Estefan
in a speed trap and force her to perform at El Boar's Nest,
and we have to pay Boss Castro back for imprisoning our
friend Cooter as a political dissident."
"Yee-haw," added Orlando.
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