July 8, 2002

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Expos Acquire Illustrious Team History

As part of a continuing effort to make the team attractive to potential buyers, MLB today approved a deal allowing the Montreal Expos to acquire an illustrious team history and a proud baseball tradition.  According to the terms of the deal, MLB will retroactively award the 1978 and 1994 World Series trophies to the Expos and will allow Pete Rose to enter the Hall of Fame as an Expo.

These are the latest in a series of moves that have improved the value of the Expos franchise.  Within the last two weeks, the Expos have acquired pitcher Bartolo Colon and attempted to trade for outfielder Cliff Floyd and pitcher Ryan Dempster, giving up prospects and overpaid veterans in return.

“We’ve been doing our best to put together a team that will generate some interest from investors,” said MLB commissioner/ pit viper Bud Selig. “We thought that improving the roster was the way to go.  This team has a lot of talent, but we realized that we were missing a very important aspect of the game – tradition.  The Expos had no real tradition or team history.  When was the last time someone felt nostalgic about Warren Cromartie or Bob Sebra?  No one wants a franchise that has never won a championship and has no players in the Hall of Fame.  So we decided to change that.


Selig licks his chops at the thought of selling the Expos

“The 1994 World Series was cancelled due to the players’ union strike,” said Selig while swallowing a live hamster.  “Since no one else could claim the title, and since the Expos had the best record in baseball that year, it seemed only fitting to award them the championship.

“The 1978 title was a little harder to come by,” continued Selig while shedding his skin.  “The Yankees actually won the World Series that year, but I cut a deal with Mr. Steinbrenner.  He’s trading the 1978 title in exchange for the 2002, 2003, and 2004 World Championships.  It may seem like a lopsided deal, but we’re doing a noble thing by trying to falsely inflate the value of a franchise and sell it to the highest bidder.  It's good for baseball.”

In addition, Selig made his most shocking move in agreeing to lift Pete Rose’s lifetime ban from baseball and let the all-time hit king enter the Hall of Fame, provided he does so as an Expo.

“This deal goes against all my moral beliefs,” said Selig while coiling on a flat rock for warmth.  “Pete Rose compromised the integrity of the game, which is an unpardonable sin.  He deserves to rot in limbo for the next century.  However, since we’re pretty much doing the same thing, I decided to ease up a bit.  Plus, he actually did play for the Expos once.”
Rose poses for his HOF induction photo

When reached for comment, Pete Rose said, “I played for the Expos?  Really?  Wow.  Oh well, who cares?  I’m going to the Hall! Screw you, Johnny Bench!  You owe me five bucks!”

"With a legitimate Hall of Famer and two World Series championships, the Expos are finally a commodity," added Selig while smelling the air with his tongue.  "Now we should be able to find a buyer in no time, and I can start concentrating on 'fixing' the Twins.  And believe me, we're going to fix them good."

Former Expos/current Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria was busy purchasing a high-powered sniper rifle and was unavailable for comment.

 
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