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Expos Declare Independence from MLB
The team has been operating under the direct control of MLB this season following the abdication of former Expos president/Selig puppet Jeffrey Loria. Robinson and the entire Expos front office, scouting, and minor league staffs were appointed by Selig to run the team in the absence of real ownership. “It was a shadow government,” said Robinson while having his likeness minted onto a coin, “unrepresentative of the Expos or the people of Montreal. They didn’t respect us. They wouldn’t even give us a real French-speaking announcer, just some guy who kept saying ‘tray bee-yen’ in a Southern accent.” The Expos will continue to play their games as scheduled, with organizational decisions being made by a provisional governing junta led by Robinson and team president/Grand Minister of Information Omar Minaya. The revolution was sparked by MLB Commissioner/exiled dictator Bud Selig's patronizing remarks about the recent success of the soon-to-be contracted Expos and Minnesota Twins. Selig said the success of the endangered teams adds "a very exciting dimension" to baseball's contraction issue. He then handed out several thousand 2003 MLB schedules for a team he called the "Washington Expos". Expos fans felt slighted by Selig, and protestors attempted to encircle Olympic Stadium in a show of solidarity. However, the protest failed miserably when only 85 people showed up. Fortunately, the charismatic Robinson took advantage the Expos' sweep of Selig's Brewers on Thursday, using the victory to whip the nearly two dozen fans in attendance into a frenzy. The Brewers were mobbed by Expos players and fans alike, their bodies torn to pieces and placed on pikes in front of the visiting dugout. “The grim, bleached-blonde visage of Richie Sexson will serve as a warning to all opponents who attempt to subvert the revolution or phone the bullpen,” said Expos second baseman/People’s Minister of Security Jose Vidro. The fans then disguised themselves as Canadian Mounties and dumped video tapes and written accounts of MLB games into the St. Lawrence River without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. With Robinson leading the charge, the mob, backed by Quebec separatists, stormed the Expos front office, smashing the team's single computer and guillotining the MLB-appointed personnel. “The streets run red with the blood of the bourgeoisie,” said Robinson. “Let this be a lesson to imperialists like Selig, Polhad, and their kind. The will of the people cannot be denied.” Selig was busy plotting a swift counterstrike against the rebels from his stronghold in Geneva, Switzerland was unavailable for comment. |
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