June 7, 2000

BREAKING NEWS -- Yankees Ban Beer Sales in Bleachers; Drug, Hand Job Sales to Continue  -- p.s. Happy Birthday, Sis! 

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Tigers Sign Wrong Gonzalez

The Detroit Tigers announced on Saturday that they signed OF/DH Juan Gonzalez to a 6-year, $140 million contract extension.  Gonzalez would have become a free agent at the end of this season.

Unfortunately, minutes after signing the deal, Gonzalez revealed that he was not former Texas Ranger and 3-time AL MVP Juan Igor Gonzalez, but was in fact Juan Miguel Gonzalez, the much-maligned father of Cuban boy/walking international incident Elian Gonzalez.

Tigers GM Randy Smith called a press conference late Tuesday night to announce the signing, but his excitement quickly turned to dismay when Gonzalez, accompanied by an army of high-priced lawyers and U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno, began demanding that his son Elian be immediately sent to Detroit.  Said Gonzales through an interpreter, "A child simply should be with his parents, always with his parents.  Besides, I want him to ride the Ferris Wheel at Comerica Park"

The Tigers acquired Juan Gonzalez in a blockbuster off-season deal with the Texas Rangers.  However, the team was expecting Juan I. Gonzalez, an All-Star slugger.

Juan I. Gonzalez

Juan M. Gonzalez

According to team officials, no one noticed when Juan M. Gonzalez showed up instead at spring training in Florida.  "I'm a busy man -- I can't be expected to know what all my players look like," said an indignant Smith.  "He looked Hispanic, and when I asked him his name, he said, 'Me llamo Juan Gonzalez', so I handed him a uniform."

Gonzalez's son Elian  responded to news of the contract in a videotaped statement, shaking his finger at the camera and saying, "Papa, I don't want to go to Detroit ... If you want, you stay there ... but I'm not going to Detroit ... I am telling you guys, I don't want to go.''

Tigers officials inform Elian Gonzalez of his father's blockbuster deal

Despite his early denials, Smith eventually seemed to accept the blame for the situation.  "This explains his poor production at the plate," sobbed Smith, "as well as the nude photo of Fidel Castro hanging in his locker."

According to Tigers manager Phil Garner, there were other signs pointing towards the outfielder's true identity. "I should have suspected that he was a different Juan Gonzalez when he kept yelling 'Die you filthy capitalist pigs!' at the hotdog vendors in the outfield bleachers." 

Tigers players had also noticed some strange behavior exhibited by Gonzalez. "He's been fairly quiet, but that's not out of the ordinary," said right-fielder Bobby Higginson. "At first, we thought he was just pouting because he was traded to this hellhole.  Then we thought he was pouting because he was in a slump.  But it turns out, he was pouting because his son was being used as a pawn in some sort of twisted international chess game.  What a crybaby." 

Added second baseman Damion Easley, "I guess we should have suspected something when this guy started hitting the cut-off man."

Commissioner Bud Selig was busy having his bikini line waxed, but his office did issue a statement saying, "No matter which Juan Gonzalez the Tigers have, Pete Rose will not be allowed to come to my birthday party."

(Special thanks to Jody and Dan Reed for their contribution to this issue of The Spitter.)

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