The Spitter

May 13, 2002

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Reds Fans Vote to Bench Griffey

All-Star Slugger to be Replaced
by Anthropomorphic Baseball, Cow

In a stunning display of democracy, Cincinnati Reds fans voted this week to bench All-Star outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. when he returns from the disabled list. Griffey’s position will be filled by the team mascot, a giant walking baseball named “Mr. Red”, and Cincinnati Freedom, the local cow who escaped the slaughterhouse and eluded Cincinnati police for several days earlier this year.

“I voted for Mr. Red because he’s always smiling,” said fan Jeff Simmons. “That Griffey gets grumpy sometimes, especially when I throw garbage at him or scream at his children.”

Mr. Red

“Griffey doesn’t represent the city well; he’s just too selfish and whiney,” offered fan Renee Watters. “The cow embodies all that is great about Cincinnati, including running from the cops and refusing to let anyone near you.”

Cow

Reds fans have been managing the team via call-in polls since May of last year, when team manager/Mensa member Bob Boone accidentally lobotomized himself with a coat hanger. “I heard that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were going to do a show for HBO where fans got to call in and make roster moves for a minor league team,” said Reds GM/sugar daddy Jim Bowden. “I thought it was too good an idea to waste on the bush leagues, so I decided to implement it here.”

The team struggled from that point on, finishing last season a dismal 66-96. However, the fans’ management skills have paid off thus far this season, as the Reds are 19-13 and in first place in the NL Central. “The difference is that last year, we used a toll-free number, and any idiot could just dial in,” explained Bowden while having his scalp massaged. “Ray Knight must have called in seven hundred times a day.

“This year, we switched to a pay-per-call service. Now, if fans want to pinch-hit for Adam Dunn in the bottom of the second inning, or field an all-lefty lineup against Randy Johnson, it will cost them $1.99 per minute. We’ve already generated enough revenue to add a second bathroom to the new ballpark. If this keeps up, we’ll be able to afford stairs and lights, too.”

Despite the team’s success, Players have been lukewarm to the new dial-in fan management. “I’m glad we’re winning,” said closer Danny Graves, “but I wish the fans wouldn’t make me wear diapers when I pitch. It’s so degrading.”

“Griffey is lucky he just got benched,” said third baseman Aaron Boone. “When I strike out, the fans make me shave Marge Schott’s back”

Griffey was busy being fitted for bionic knees and was unavailable for comment.