Griffey Sealed in Plastic Bubble
 

After dislocating his shoulder over the weekend, Cincinnati Reds outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. was sealed in a plastic bubble on Sunday. According to doctors, the bubble will aid the crumbling All-Star's recovery and prevent future injury. The airtight, high-durability polyurethane bubble measures 7 feet in diameter and will protect Griffey from a variety of injuries, while filtered ventilation ducts will prevent the transmission of germs and disease. Doctors say the high-oxygen environment will

Griffey has already begun rehabilitating his injured right shoulder.

Additional measures will be taken to ensure Griffey's safety. The slugger will not be allowed to handle sharp objects, go near electrical outlets, or cross the street without adult supervision. In order to avoid potential choking hazards, Griffey will be fed a thin, protein-based gruel through a tube. The outfielder will live in a custom-engineered Habitrail built beneath the Great American Ballpark, where he can rehabilitate from his injuries and even build a small nest for warmth.

Upon his return from the disabled list, Griffey will field his position from within the bubble. Griffey will be allowed to extend his arms through special gloves in the side of the bubble in order to bat and throw.

Reds officials say that Griffey will remain in the bubble for the remainder of his contract, insisting that the move is for Griffey's own protection.

"We don't blame Junior at all," said Reds GM Jim Bowden while having his leather pants buffed. "He just tries too hard, and that all-out style of play has left him brittle as a cracker. And frankly, we're paying him too much money to have to worry about him tearing a hamstring while running the bases, or breaking his toe on a blade of grass, or shattering his temples while chewing a stick of gum."

Griffey himself offered little resistance to the plan.

"If I say anything negative, I'll be called a whiner," said the hermetically-sealed All-Century outfielder via the bubble's built-in intercom system, "so I'm just going to shut up and drink my gruel."

Still, Griffey remains in good spirits. "Honestly, this is the best I've felt in years," said Griffey. "Compared to the purple oozing fire of a torn hamstring or the razorlike talon deathgrip of a detached patellar tendon, this dislocated shoulder feels like a nice trip to the sauna."

Bowden says that if the bubble experiment works with Griffey, the team will consider trying it with other players.

"Barry Larkin sleeps in an oxygen tent anyway, so it won't be a difficult transition for him. And we've got to protect our young stars like Adam Dunn and Austin Kearns, especially when we have a sawbones like Tim Kremchek for our team doctor."

Kremchek was busy drilling holes in players' heads to release evil spirits and was unavailable for comment.