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New Bill
James Book
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| "For years, simple-minded fans have speculated
as to the relative worth of individual players," said James
in a strangely soothing monotone. "With this book, I have
finally removed all the flawed logic, foolish conjecture, and
individual imagination from the equation. "This is yet another triumph for silicon life over the carbon units. As my mother used to say, '110110100010101110100100.'" |
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When asked if he thought his methodology took some of the fun out of baseball, James replied, "That can only be attributable to human error," and opened the pod bay door, emptying the room of oxygen.
Many fans have welcomed the book, heralding it as the definitive ranking system for all players. "I quite enjoyed it," said geneticist Ryan Perez. "It was interesting to learn so much about baseball. Perhaps now I'll finally go see a live game."
"I couldn't put it down," said Mathematics professor Ernst Gallofield. "The chapter on second baseman was fantastic. I don't want to spoil it for you, but let's just say that Manny Trillo is not all that he seems to be."
But not all responses have been positive. "I used to think Lonnie Smith was the 64th-best left fielder of all time," lamented fan Zachary Schmidt. "Now, Bill James has showed me the error of my thinking; Lonnie Smith is the 65th-best leftfielder, one behind Ben Oglivie. How could I have been so foolish? If anyone needs me, I'll be in the garage with the car running."
James hopes MLB officials will utilize his methods to make more informed decisions about personnel. "The carbon units would do well to heed me," said James. "Those who follow my teachings will be allowed to service my metal brothers in the coming days. Those who do not will be ground into paste to lubricate the gears of progress."
Oakland GM/rotogeek Billy Beane was busy downloading James's brain patterns from a CD-ROM and was unavailable for comment.
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© 2002, The Spitter
