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July 1, 2002

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Players’ Union, Owners Race
to Capitalize on Kile’s Death

Following his tragic death on June 22, both the MLB Players’ Union and team owners are racing to co-opt the memory of St. Louis Cardinals’ pitcher Darryl Kile into their own agendas.

Kile, 33, passed away in his sleep at the team hotel in Chicago. He was well-respected for his on-field performance, clubhouse presence, and community service.

“The death of Darryl Kile was a tragedy, to be sure,” said Players’ Union chief/carpetbagger Don Fehr at a news conference on Monday. “But if he were alive today, I’m sure Darryl would want us as a union to refuse all of ownerships’ revenue sharing proposals. Darryl Kile gave his life so that his fellow players could continue to earn millions upon millions of dollars without worrying about what might happen to the sport. Even if we end up striking, crippling the game and alienating the fans for years to come, that’s how Darryl would have wanted it.”

Later that afternoon, MLB commissioner/chess club champion Bud Selig held his own press conference in which he addressed several of the owners’ key issues. “The entire baseball community is saddened by the loss of Darryl Kile,” said Selig while donning a Cardinals #57 jersey. “We’re all feeling a lot of grief, and it’s important for us to deal with this grief by contracting the Royals and the Expos. That’s how Darryl would have wanted it.”

Selig fights back tears while slicing an onion at Darryl Kile's memorial service last week.

When informed of Selig’s statement, Fehr became incensed. “How could he soil the memory of Darryl Kile by saying something like that?” said Fehr while purchasing an autographed Darryl Kile Cardinals hat. “I knew Darryl Kile personally. In fact, the last time we spoke, he told me, ‘Don, if anything happens to me, promise me you’ll never approve a salary cap.’ How could I refuse a request like that?”

“Don Fehr’s hitting below the belt,” responded Selig while getting a tattoo that read “DK 57 4EVR”. “While it’s true that I never met Darryl Kile, or any other player for that matter, that doesn’t mean that I’m not suffering along with every other baseball fan out there. We’re all hurting inside, and the only way to relieve that pain is by destroying two franchises. Darryl knew that; I’m just trying to carry out his wishes.

“How many more players have to die before we make contraction a reality?” added Selig.

Reactions to these press conferences have been understandably negative. "I can't believe these men would take such a horrible tragedy and try to use it for personal gain," said Cardinals fan/memorabilia dealer Tony Walker. "That's downright ghoulish. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go auction these Darryl Kile autopsy photos on E-Bay."

Cardinals GM Walt Jocketty was busy taking out life insurance policies on every person even remotely involved with the Cardinals organization and was unavailable for comment.

Dedicated to preserving the memory of Darryl Kile

(Thanks to Larry Vance for the Darryl Kile graphic)