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Strike Averted by Meddling KidsThe ninth work stoppage in MLB history was avoided last week as a group of Gen-X neo-hippies and their pet Great Dane helped broker an agreement between the players’ union and the owners.
An initial unmasking revealed the Phantom to be MLBPA chief Donald Fehr. However, upon closer inspection, the perpetrator was discovered to be none other than exiled MLB Hit King Pete Rose wearing a Don Fehr mask. The real Donald Fehr was later found tied up in the storage room of Ball Park Collectibles, a baseball memorabilia shop in Cooperstown. Mysteries, Inc. spokesperson Velma Dinkley revealed that Rose had been masquerading as Fehr in an attempt to bring about a players’ strike, which would have turned public opinion dramatically against baseball. In the face of such outrage, the only way for Selig to win fans back would be to overturn the lifetime ban on Rose and allow the popular Hit King to be elected to the baseball Hall of Fame. “But Rose didn’t want people nosing around Cooperstown,” explained Dinkley, “so he cooked up the phony Phantom disguise to scare people away and keep them from uncovering his plan.” “And I would have gotten away with it, too,” added Rose, “if it weren't for…well, you know the rest.” "I can't believe Pete would sink this low," said Fehr after being freed. "Imagine, threatening to strike and take America's game away from the fans. How horrible! What kind of self-serving beast would do that?" "I should have known it wasn't really Don Fehr," said MLB commissioner/Don Knotts lookalike Bud Selig. "The bowl haircut and constant calls to his bookie should have been dead giveaways. "These kids and their freakish, poorly animated, talking dog really saved baseball," added Selig. "Maybe next I'll have them solve the Mystery of Disappearing League Parity, or find the Ghost of the Lost Free Agent Compensation Draft Pick. Or maybe I'll just have them figure out who's been urinating in my coffee every morning." Yankees owner George Steinbrenner was busy drinking five gallons of water and giggling and was unavailable for comment
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