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Bell Begins "Operation: Slurpee"Building upon the recent success of "Operation: Shutdown", which garnered his release from the Pittsburgh Pirates, former MLB outfielder Derek Bell began "Operation: Slurpee" at a local Pittsburgh 7-Eleven last week.
"This may not be as glamorous as being a baseball player, but I like it," said Bell as he leafed through a copy of Menopause Mamas Monthly. "I seem to have a knack for knowing what the customers want. I'll see a guy come in, and I'll think 'He's on Operation: Big Gulp.' Or I'll see a lady in the snack aisle and I'll think 'She's on Operation: Moon Pie.' Or some guy will rush in at about 1:00 in the morning and I'll think 'This guy's on Operation: I ran out of condoms and my date's really horny.' I almost feel kind of psychic." MLB commissioner/dominatrix Bud Selig cited Bell's career choice as a warning to all players who put their own interests above their team's. "Bell should have tried his hardest to win the starting job in Pittsburgh," said Selig as he put on a skin-tight black catsuit. "Look at what happened to Randy Moss in Minnesota. He said that he only plays 100% when he wants to and now he's one of the most disliked figures in Minneapolis. Next to me, of course." Selig then took out his diamond studded cat-o-nine tails, and proceeded to whip Marlins owner Jeffrey Loira repeatedly while screaming, "Whose collective bargaining agreement is it? Whose is it?!?" "There may not be as many perks to this job compared to being a baseball player," said Bell as his shift was ending. "Sure, I'll miss the after game parties, the free drugs and hookers, the big money hotels we'd stay in on road trips. But here I get the respect I deserve as a human being, and all the Slim Jim's I can eat. Top THAT, Pirates! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go on Operation: Quick Dump before I head home." Pirates manager Lloyd McClendon was busy stealing Dolly Madison cupcakes and was unavailable for comment. (Story by Jeremy Wilhm) |
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