May 19, 2003

Dear Oscar,

How can I get my wife's afro dents out of the hood of my car?

Signed, Julio the Latin Lover

Dear Julio,

The best way to extract afro marks from an automobile is to pound them out from underneath. Why don't you try raising your hood and slamming your own ignorant, nappy head into the dents from behind. I'll swing by your place later tonight and help you do so.

Dear Oscar,

I recently bleached my afro blonde, and now I look like a freak. Is there any way I can fix the color?

Signed, Antonio A.

Dear Antonio,

Many other people have made the same mistake. Did you see Manny Ramirez a couple years ago? He looked like that albino mutant who tried to eat Chuck Heston in "The Omega Man". But don't worry, your hair color will grow out in a few weeks. Until then, why not spend some time entertaining children at the local hospital, or trying to apprehend that pesky Hamburglar?

April 21, 2003

Dear Oscar,

I play outfield, and in a recent game, a fan hit me in the head with a cell phone. Luckily, my afro cushioned the blow, but the impact took a chunk out of it and now it's all lopsided. How can I fix it?

Signed, Ranger Carl

Dear Carl,

Afro repair can be a challenge, so make sure your kit includes a six-inch stainless steel pick, a pound of steel wool, a 12-ounce can of foam insulation, a broad putty knife, and black hair dye #5. Send me your email address and I'll hook you up with a schematic diagram of the repair process.

Dear Oscar,

I'm Sammy Sosa, and two different dudes beaned me this week. I mean, I'm Sammy F*cking Sosa, for chrissake! I'm HUGE! I spend more money on performance-enhancers than those guys make in a year. My forearm is as big as your thigh, but those pitchers weren't scared of me at all. How in the world did this happen?

Signed, Sammy S.

Dear Sammy,

I'm feeling quite literary this week, so I'll provide you with some words of wisdom. I believe it was King David, or maybe Clarence Williams III, who said, "A soft afro turneth away wrath." Sammy, stop wasting your money on steroids and invest in some Emu oil, a pick, and a Flowbie. You'll never have to worry about being beaned again.

April 7, 2003

Dear Oscar,

I'm a Hall of Famer, recently divorced, and I have just been acquitted of sexual assault. I'd like to start dating again, but I think women might be a little wary of going but with me. What can I do to attract the ladies?

Signed, Ladykiller in MN

Dear Ladykiller,

You've obviously got the talent for pimping. Your problem is image. I suggest a planetary afro, big enough to create a field of pimp gravity that all the hoes will want to orbit.

Dear Oscar,

I'm an attractive, eligible shortstop. I recently injured my shoulder, and now I have problems manipulating my pick and keeping my 'fro in check. What should I do?

Signed, D-Jete

Dear D-Jete,

'Fro maintenance can be a problem when you can't raise your arms. Why don't you have J-Lo come over and take care of it? I know she's getting married to that square-headed Ben Affleck, but I'll bet she still likes a little chocolate in her peanut butter every once in a while. Reese's Pieces, baby...

March 17, 2003

Dear Oscar,

I was a pitcher in camp with a Canadian team, and I was recently caught stealing money from my teammate's locker. Now the team has released me, and I feel like I have ruined my life. What should I do?

Signed, Coco the Clown

Dear Coco,

You need to understand that what you did was wrong, and theft is not a good career choice. However, if you decide to continue stealing, a nice, puffy afro will provide you with a convenient hiding place for items you wish to
pilfer. Plus you can use it as a storage space for any number of miscellaneous objects, pulling them out whenever you need them, just like that dude on the old "Super Globetrotters" cartoon.

Dear Oscar,

While I was pitching the other day, I hit a batter. He charged the mound, and I threw my glove at him and ran like a little girl. Now, I'm afraid that I won't be able to intimidate batters anymore. How can I regain my confidence and bring back the intimidation factor?

Signed, Willie in L.A.

Dear Willie,

What better way to intimidate batters than to grow a gigantic afro like Link from "Mod Squad". He was one bad dude. Plus, if a batter ever charges the mound again, you can use the immense girth of your coif to keep him at bay until help arrives.

March 3, 2003

Dear Oscar,

I was recently sold to a Japanese team, but I refused to join them, and now I'm playing for a team in Boston. I want to apologize to the Japanese people, but I'm not sure how to do it. Can you help me?

Signed, Kevin-San

Dear Kevin-San,

The Japanese place a high value on honor, and you have dishonored yourself in their eyes. However, they are a very hip, cool culture, so you must show them how cool you are by wearing a t-shirt that says "Disco #1 Rockstar" and growing your afro out to a height of 4 inches.

Dear Oscar,

I'm a 37 year old infielder who has been asked to move to center field, a position I've never played before. Do you have any tips for me?

Signed, Ancient Craig

Dear Ancient Craig,

Moving to the outfield is a big change. You need to run a lot more, and at your age, I'll bet your speed is declining. I suggest trimming about an inch off your afro. This will cut down on wind resistance and help you get to the ball quicker.

February 23, 2003

Dear Oscar,

I'm the commissioner of a major league of baseball teams (I won't name names), and it seems like everybody hates me. What should I do?

Signed, Bud S.

Dear Bud,

Everyone does hate you; that's just a fact. You can't change it, but you shouldn't let it get you down. You need to do something to improve your self-esteem. Perhaps a new 4-inch afro hairstyle will help you feel good about yourself again.

Dear Oscar,

I'm a twenty-something GM of a major league baseball team. Because I'm so young, other GM's and owners aren't very friendly to me. What can I do to earn their respect?

Signed, "Brian" in Boston

Dear "Brian",

Your elders aren't treating you with respect because you make them feel old. Try picking your afro out to a height of 3-4 inches. This hairstyle will remind them of the carefree 1960s and '70s, when they were young like you.

Dear Oscar,

I'm a frequently-injured centerfielder for an Ohio baseball team, and I think the media is out to get me. When I give interviews, I'm often misquoted and people say I'm whining; when I refuse to give interviews, I'm called "moody". What should I do?

Signed, K.G. Jr.

Dear K.G.Jr.,

You need to give the media something new to write about, something unrelated to baseball that will make good copy on a slow news day. Perhaps a ridiculously tall afro that prevents your hat from fitting properly will keep the writers busy and stop them from stirring up controversy.