Piazza Goes Butch

Mets catcher/ballet enthusiast Mike Piazza has decided to toughen his image this season, assuming a more rugged persona in hopes of dispelling persistent rumors of his homosexuality.

"I'm sick of all these stupid writers saying that I'm gay," said the absolutely-not-gay All-Star. "They come up with these ridiculous lies, saying I'm dating a gay magazine editor or I'm going to marry Terry Bradshaw. That's utter nonsense. Terry and I are just good friends who occasionally share pajamas."

Piazza has a hissy fit after pitcher Guillermo Mota messes up his $90 haircut.

The persistent rumors may be the result of some of the career choices Piazza has made. "All those commercials with Alf certainly didn't help my image," said Piazza. "From now on, I'm only going to do commecials with macho guys like Jean-Claude Van Damme and Rob Halford, that dude who used to sing for Judas Priest."

Piazza has already begun his transformation into a self-styled roughneck, as evidenced by his attack on Dodgers pitcher Guillermo Mota after Mota hit him with a pitch last week. Piazza charged Mota, prompting a bench-clearing brawl. After being ejected, the enraged catcher went to the Dodgers clubhouse looking for Mota.

"He's lucky I didn't get ahold of him," said Piazza while adding blonde highlights to his spiked haircut. "I would have scratched his eyes out."

Piazza says he is enjoying his new role as enforcer and vows to take league-wide revenge on any pitcher who throws at a batter. "From now on, those headhunters will have to answer to me," said the butch catcher while donning a studded leather jacket, police hat, and mirrored shades. "Like if Brad Penny throws at Vlad Guerrero again, I'll bitch-slap him into a world of pain. And Jose Mesa, threatening that cute little Omar Vizquel -- he's going to get the shin-kicking of a lifetime."

Piazza also issued a warning to his old nemesis Roger Clemens, who has a history of beanball confrontations with the catcher. "Clemens better beware," said Piazza. "When I see him again, I'm going to give him such a pinch. I guarantee it will leave a gross, purpley mark."

Clemens was making a midnight run to Krispy Kreme and was unavailable for comment.