Piazza, Bradshaw to Wed
New York Mets catcher/hairstylist Mike Piazza and fellow
long-distance spokesman Terry Bradshaw have announced that
they will be getting married. No date has been set, but
the couple is tentatively planning for June 2003.
“I’ve always wanted to be a June bride,”
explained Piazza while wiping a tear from his eye.
The marriage will mark the culmination of a three-year
relationship between Piazza and Bradshaw, who met while
filming commercials for 10-10-220 long distance service.
“From the first moment we met, we connected,”
said Bradshaw while being fitted for his tuxedo. “Mike’s
a great kid. He’s very kind and giving -- he always
lets me 'be the man'. Plus his moustache tickles, if you
know what I mean.”
Piazza admitted to having a long-standing crush on Bradshaw.
“When I was a kid growing up in Pennsylvania, Terry
was the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and he was
my idol,” said Piazza. “I used to sit in school
and write ‘Mrs. Terry Bradshaw’ over and over
on a piece of paper. Now, I'm living that dream.”
Several recent newspaper and magazine
articles have accused Piazza of being gay, which Piazza
has denied. This announcement would seem to indicate
otherwise, but despite the nature of his relationship
with Bradshaw, Piazza still insists that he’s not
homosexual. “Those are ugly rumors started by petty
journalists looking to make a name for themselves,”
hissed Piazza while selecting floral arrangements.
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Piazza: Not Gay
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| “What I feel for Terry
has nothing to do with homosexuality. He has a gentleness
about him that most people don’t see. I haven’t
felt this way about anyone since Tommy Lasorda.”
"I'm not a homosexual, either" added Bradshaw.
"When I'm with Mike, I just pretend he's a big,
hairy, sweaty woman, like Jimmy Kimmel."
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Bradshaw: Not Gay Either
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Some players are displeased with Piazza's lifestyle. "I'm
not surprised," said Yankees pitcher/licensed craniologist
Roger Clemens. "After I beaned him a couple of years
ago, he sent me a nude picture of himself with the caption
'No Hard Feelings'. I knew then something was going on."
"Typical New Yorker," said Rangers pitcher/NAACP
representative John Rocker. "They're all 'funny' that
way." When asked if he would attend the wedding, Rocker
replied, "Wow, yeah, I'd be there in a second! But
they won't invite me. No one talks to me anymore. I'm so
very, very lonely..."
However, others have spoken out in support of Piazza. “I
think it’s important for Mike to accept who he is and
try to be happy,” said former player Brady Anderson.
“I know how hard it can be to live with a secret. Now
if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to find some shoes
that will go with my bridesmaid’s dress.”
Fellow 10-10-220 spokesman Alf was busy smashing up his
apartment in a drunken, jealous rage and was unavailable
for comment.
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