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Selig: "Plenty of Tickets Available for This Weekend's Games"In a press conference held Monday, MLB Commissioner/Edsel designer Bud Selig attempted to boost attendance league-wide by reminding fans that plenty of tickets are still available for this coming weekend’s games.
“What a great time to pack up the family and head out to the old ballpark," continued Selig while avoiding eye contact. "I know it’s been a very hot, dry summer, but the so-called 'dog days' are over and now the weather’s turning nicer. So why not purchase some reasonably priced, non-refundable tickets today. And don't worry, parking won't be a problem. "I realize that many fans simply can't make it to the park," added Selig while shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "But those fans can still enjoy the game by purchasing MLB Extra InningsTM from DirecTV. You'll have dozens of games at your fingertips. Or, if you prefer, visit MLB.com and watch the Condensed GamesTM version of this coming weekend's contests for just $4.95 per month." When reminded that MLB players will most likely go on strike on August 30th, Selig gestured towards his ears, feigned deafness, and began a fit of uncontrollable coughing until his handlers escorted him from the press conference. Selig is not alone in trying to rally support for this weekend's games. Several teams are offering special packages to attract fans over the Labor Day holiday weekend. "We're offering a special Labor Day deal," said Royals GM Allard Baird. "If you purchase tickets to the games on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, you get $5 off a ticket to Monday's game. And there will be fireworks every night!" Even ticket scalpers, not traditionally known for their charity, have announced special deals for this weekend’s games. “Usually, first-row seats behind the home dugout at Fenway park will run you about $150 apiece,” said Boston area scalper Dennis O’Fallon. “But this coming weekend series, I can let you have them at half price. In fact, if you buy them right now, I’ll give you a three-for-one deal.” Despite the pending labor struggle, Baird insisted that this weekend's games would be fun for all. "Don't worry if you get to the stadium and no players are on the field -- just enjoy seven or eight $6 beers while you watch reruns of 'This Week in Baseball' on the JumboTron. The players will show up sooner or later. We promise." All MLB players were busy booking weekend flights to Aruba and were unavailable for comment.
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