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Rijo's Return from Grave a SuccessRe-Animated Corpse 4-1 Since Joining RotationCompleting one of the most amazing comebacks in baseball history, pitcher Jose Rijo has returned from the grave to find success in the Cincinnati Reds rotation. The right-hander has posted a 3.89 ERA and a 4-1 record in 6 starts this season, prompting many experts to declare Rijo “the greatest undead player since Lonnie Smith.”
"We are very happy to have Jose back amongst the living," said Reds GM Jim Bowden. "Not only has his pitching been outstanding, but his clubhouse presence has been invaluable. He has done everything we have asked, and all he has wanted in return was a chance to pitch. That, and a supply of fresh brains for consumption." Rijo expressed gratitude for getting a second chance to play baseball. "I really hope that my constant hunger for flesh won't get in the way of the Reds winning the pennant this year," said the raspy, miasmic corpse. "My main focus will always be on winning the World Series trophy, but my never-ending need to consume warm, quivering people-steak might affect my relationships with my teammates. I don’t want them to think I'm a weird-o or anything. I just need to ingest fresh tissue at regular intervals, that's all." Despite Rijo's success, some Cincinnati players are still unsure about having a zombie for a teammate. "It's hard to tell when Jose is listening to you intently, or just imagining what the inside of your skull tastes like," said Cincinnati center fielder Ken Griffey, Jr. "One time I was talking about how to play against the Astros, and he got this glazed look in his eye. When I waved my hand in front of his face, he grabbed it and bit off two of my fingers. Man, it's frustrating enough to get death threats when I go on the DL. How am I supposed to play with only eight fingers? Not cool, man. Not cool." However, other players are welcoming Rijo into their clubhouse with open arms. "I can see an upside to having a zombie pitch for you," said Reds first baseman Sean Casey. "He can bean somebody and totally get away with it. Who's going to charge the mound against someone who's going to try and chew your arm off? And if a guy hits a homer off him, how do you know he won't go after the guy while he's trotting around the bases? That's like a free meal for Jose." "I am proud to play on the same team as Jose. He poses no threat to anyone," said an unusually pale Reds third baseman Aaron Boone. "I hugged Jose after his first win against Chicago, and he accidentally took a bite out of me," Boone explained while brandishing a deep bite mark on his right arm that glowed pale green. "As you can see, I've had no side effects from it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go have Dad for dinner. I mean, have Dad over for dinner." Reds manager Bob Boone was marinating in a teriyaki orange sauce and was unavailable for comment. (Story by Jeremy Wilhm) |
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