July 8, 2001

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Bobblehead Doll Elected to All-Star Game

The frenzy for ceramic bobblehead dolls reached new heights this week when fans elected the Cal Ripken bobblehead doll as the starting third baseman for the 2001 AL All-Star Team. The 7 1/2 inch doll received 1,203,378 write-in votes, narrowly edging out the real Cal Ripken, Seattle third baseman/future bench warmer David Bell, and truly deserving candidate Troy Glaus of Anaheim.


Ripken Doll

MLB commissioner/professional grifter Bud Selig supported the election. "The All-Star Game is for the fans," said Selig between games of 3-Card Monte. "If they want to elect a toy, or a broken-down veteran, or even a dog turd to the starting lineup, that's their business.

"In fact, it's kind of encouraging to know that they're idiotic enough to do that. It makes my job that much easier." Selig then took twenty dollars from a five year-old fan who was unable to find the red queen.

Ripken himself was thrilled by the selection. "I played nearly 3000 games in a row. It's about time I finally got a three-day break," said the future Hall of Famer. "I'm tired. So very tired."

However, the bobblehead doll's fellow All-Stars were not as enthusiastic. "It has slightly more range than the real Cal," said AL shortstop Derek Jeter of the doll, "but I doubt it has his arm."

"The doll is more qualified to make the team than any of the Detroit Tigers," said AL first baseman Jason Giambi. "But then again, anyone who can hold a bat is more qualified than any of the Tigers, so I guess that doesn't mean much."

When asked for comment, NL starting pitcher Randy Johnson squinted, snarled, and launched a fastball at a flock of birds flying overhead.


Johnson

This marks the third time in baseball history that an inanimate object has been voted into the All-Star game. In 1998, a "Spanky the Squirrel" Beanie Baby was elected to the NL starting outfield. And in 1981, fans elected Pirates first baseman/3-toed sloth Willie Stargell.

Stargell was busy being dead and was unavailable for comment.

 
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