Satan Pleased by Potential Cubs/Red Sox World Series

Infernal Overlord Satan himself is quite pleased at the potential World Series matchup between the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs. Neither team has won a World Series since 1918, when the two teams last met and the Red Sox triumphed over the Cubs.

Fans, pundits, and the clergy blame both teams' lack of success on curses. The Red Sox are supposedly cursed for selling a young Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920, while the Cubs were cursed by a local tavern owner when they refused to let him bring his goat to a 1945 World Series game.

Satan's prediction: series cancelled with score tied 6-6 in Game Six.

According to Satan, when these curses intersect, unholy forces shall be unleashed.

"The Darkest Days are upon us," growled the Great Deceiver while taking the form of a black hound. "It is written in the Necronomicon, 'When the Nouthsiders clash with the Scarlet Hosed Ones 'neath autumn skies in the
shadow of the Emerald Beast, all things shall be undone.' Sounds like 'go' time to me."

The situation does present some potential conflicts for the Evil One.

"Normally, I pull for the Yankees," hissed the hoary Prince of the Underworld. "I'm obliged to do so, since Steinbrenner and I signed that deal seven years ago. But this is the opportunity I've been waiting for since the dawn of time, so I have to do what's best for me -- and, of course, my dark minions at Tribune Broadcasting and in the Red Sox Nation.

"Let Steinbrenner sue me for breach of contract if he wants," added Beelzebub, shapeshifting into a raven. "I've got all the best lawyers."

The Demonic Lord is taking measures to ensure that the apocalyptic matchup will indeed take place. "I've temporarily released Harry Carey from his eternal torment - a cage suspended six inches above a vat of Budweiser. He shall whisper unspeakable curses into the ear of Jack McKeon, driving the Marlins manager insane. He shall haunt (Marlins first baseman) Derek Lee with ghastly visions of suffering. I'm also going to have him possess the body of whoever sings the national anthem at Yankee Stadium. That should be a hoot.

"And there shall be horrible plagues for both the Yankees and Marlins," continued the Accursed while transmogrifying into black stallion. "I've got a whole list -- toads, lice, salamanders, even some diseases. Ivan Rodriguez shall be stricken with palsy. There's leprosy for Jason Giambi and foot fungus for Juan Pierre. And how about some boils for you, Derek Jeter? Boils aplenty."

Jeter was busy getting a facial at the Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa and was unavailable for comment.