Sadly, this is just the most recent instance of the pitcher's growing addiction to cosmetic procedures.

"He's got this weird, Tori Spelling-esque attachment to plastic surgery," said one teammate who wished to remain anonymous. "It started off with just a simple chemical peel, but it has grown exponentially from there. Soon he was having procedures done between starts -- facelifts, tummy tucks, chin implants, et cetera."

According to Schilling's tall, anonymous teammate, the surgeries soon went beyond minor cosmetic adjustments.

"Now he's into some really freaky stuff, most of which he keeps hidden under his uniform. He recently had a full set of teeth installed on his chest. He's had a third eye attached to his right shoulder blade. And don't ask what he had the doctors do below the waist -- does the word 'prehensile' mean anything to you?

"He's had so many nose jobs, the tissue started to decompose," continued the lanky, steely-eyed, anonymous source. "His nose is just a mummy-hole right now. He covers it with any number of prosthetic devices, some human, some not. He's got a hummingbird beak, a pig snout for rooting out truffles, and even a crotch-sniffing bloodhound nose for family engagements."

The source expressed a great deal of concern for Schilling's future if the addiction is not addressed soon.

"He's headed down a scary path," said Schilling's mustachioed, Cy Young