X-Rays Reveal Cork in Sosa's Biceps

Much-maligned slugger Sammy Sosa suffered yet another blow to his reputation last week when x-rays revealed the Cubs outfielder's biceps to be filled with various foreign substances, including cork.

Sosa was recently caught using an illegally corked bat during a game. MLB doctors discovered the corked biceps while performing a league-ordered physical examination to determine whether or not Sosa was concealing any additional illegal bats on his person.

"We examined each of Mr. Sosa's orifices for bats, finding none," said attending physician Dr. James Roberts. "We then took a chest x-ray to determine whether or not Mr. Sosa had hidden a corked bat in his spine. A portion of Mr. Sosa's right bicep showed up in the x-ray and appeared to contain a foreign substance.

"With MLB's approval, we anesthetized Mr. Sosa and proceeded to saw into his arms. Instead of muscle and sinew, we found a light, low-density material that lab tests revealed to be cork. His right arm also contained some sawdust and several of those high-bouncing superballs."

At a press conference following the examination, a beleaguered Sosa defended himself. "When I was on the DL earlier this season, I was unable to work out like I normally do," said Sosa. "I had lost some muscle tone, and the fans were starting to notice. The batboy told me he had some extra biceps laying around the clubhouse, so I used them. I had no idea they were corked.

"At least I never used steroids," added the pneumatic All-Star while snorting three ounces of Ephedra.

MLB Commissioner/98-pound weakling Bud Selig announced that Sosa would serve a 12-game suspension as punishment. "However," continued Selig, "that suspension will be reduced significantly if Mr. Sosa shows me how to cork my own biceps. I'm tired of Don Fehr always kicking sand in my face at the beach."

Fehr was busy pestering Rafael Palmeiro for a Viagra fix and was unavailable for comment.