|
|
|
|||||
 Spitter
Home
|
Yankees, Mets Tell America to Kiss Their Asses The New York Yankees and New York Mets began the "Subway Series" on Saturday, filling native New Yorkers with pride and alienating 99% of baseball fans across America.
Torre's sentiments were echoed by players from both teams. "Yo, America," said Yankee first baseman Tino Martinez, "Suck it!" "New York is the biggest and the best," said Mets third baseman Robin Ventura while gesturing towards his crotch, "and I got your 'biggest and best' right here!" Fans in the Big Apple shared the players' enthusiasm. "Finally, the city of New York will get the recognition it deserves," said cab driver Victor DiPaulo. "Not only are we the crime, unemployment, and murder capitol of the world, but we're the baseball capitol, too!" "I'm sick of those high-dollar Yankees buying their way to the championship every year," said cab driver Monica Velasquez. "It's about time some gritty underdog like the Mets came along and showed them that small-market teams can compete, too!"
While New York players and fans are excited, fan interest across the country is considerably less enthusiastic. Saturday's game, a taut, 12-inning thriller which the Yankees won 4-3, received a 1.4 Nielsen rating and a 7% audience share, ranking 173rd for the week, just behind The History Channel's "Hitler's Favorite Pants" and just ahead of ABC's "Norm". In an online poll conducted by www.majorleaguebaseball.com, a whopping 87% of fans voted that they would rather shave their mother's armpits than watch the Subway Series. 10% of fans said that they would be excited to watch the Yankees and Mets, provided the two teams were hacking each other to pieces with butcher knives. But MLB commissioner/walking tumor Bud Selig was unfazed. "I know the rest of America doesn't care about the Subway Series," said Selig, "but considering how much money each of these teams has spent on payroll, it just wouldn't be fair for anyone else to play in the World Series. "Thank God those cheap bastards in Oakland lost," added Selig. "or Mr. Steinbrenner would have fired me." Yankees owner George Steinbrenner was busy forcing the Statue of Liberty to fellate him and was unavailable for comment. |
||||||
| *Statement is false. |
Write us at spitterbaseball@juno.com Be sure to visit our affiliates at The Man Network. © 2000, The Spitter |
 |
