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Player's Union Agrees to
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| “It’s all in the wording,” said union chief/Sopranos fan Don Fehr. “Selig just asked us to agree to random testing, so we did. He didn’t specify what kind of ‘random testing’, though, so we’ve been able to avoid the whole drug issue and still come out smelling like roses. I tell you, Selig is about as sharp as a jellyfish.” |
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League-wide testing has already begun, and many players have found the tests to be helpful and informative.
“At first, I was opposed to the testing,” said Yankees outfielder Raul Mondesi. “Then I got my results back and found out I wasn’t pregnant, so I guess it worked out okay.”
“I had a biopsy done, and it showed that my hamstrings are made of cheese,” said Reds outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. “They also did a psychological evaluation and found out I’ve got a mild bipolar disorder. Now I know why I’m crying on the inside.”
“My vocational aptitude test said I should be either a rodeo clown or something called a ‘fluffer’,” said Mets catcher Mike Piazza. “I don’t like horses, but I’m looking forward to finding out what that other thing is.”
However, other players are not as enthusiastic.
“Testing is a violation of my right to privacy,” said Padres outfielder Bubba Trammell. “They made me take the friggin’ SAT. Now all my teammates know that I can barely read and have trouble with numbers larger than 18. I’m so ashamed...”
“I just got my DNA test results back and found out I’m John Rocker’s long-lost half-brother,” said Twins outfielder Torii Hunter. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shoot myself in the face.”
“My cholesterol tested at 642, so my doctor put me on some stupid diet,” said Mets first baseman Mo Vaughn. “How the f*ck am I supposed to maintain body mass on only three horses a day?”
Barry Bonds was busy injecting Creatine into his eyeballs and was unavailable for comment.
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