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Tigers
Management Sacrificed
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| "People know the risks in this business," said Dombrowski, fully vested in the ceremonial garb of the Nether-Priest. "There's a lot of turnover in a front office. Managers get fired all the time, and life goes on. People have their essences drained into the Sacred Chalice of Fire, and then we hire replacements. It's all part of the game." |
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New interim head coach Luis Pujols spoke nervously after the press conference. "I guess this is a good thing for me," said Pujols. "I know I'm going to do my best to turn the team around this season. It's just a little hard to do that when your boss tells you that he'll cut your toes off and feed them to you if we lose too many games. Now if you'll excuse me, Mr. Dombrowski wants me to get fitted for my coaching headpiece and loincloth now."
Some players have also expressed concern about Dombrowsi, who promised changes when he was hired last November. "He's just trying to motivate the team to do their best," said Tigers outfielder Bobby Higginson. "I understand what he's trying to do, but forcing us to sit in the Mordorian Box of Darkness when we strike out is a little too much."
Other players on the team are welcoming the new rules. "Change is something that this team has needed for a long time," said Tigers pitcher Jeff Weaver. "I actually like the idea of getting scarred with a white-hot knife every time I give up a run."
"I think people will be pleased with the performance of this new Tigers Team," said Dombrowski while preparing a batch of poison-tipped blow darts. When asked if the darts were for further team motivation, he replied, "No, these babies are for when we play the Yankees in July. I got a hunch that we're going to have a pretty good series that week."
George Steinbrenner was busy searching for eyes of newts and was unavailable for comment.
(Story by Jeremy Wilhm)
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