Tigers Somehow 0-8 Before Season Even Starts

Through a bizzare set of circumstances, the Detroit Tigers have somehow managed to reach Opening Day with a losing record, even though no games have been played. The 0-8 Tigers begin the 2003 season 8 games out of first place, trailing the Royals, Twins, White Sox, and Indians, who all share 0-0 records.

"I have no idea how this happened," said new manager Alan Trammell, who is taking over a team that finished 55-106 last season. "I thought it would take at least a week for us to lose 8 games."

Theories suggest that this year's Tigers are so horrible that even the laws of science couldn't hide their ineptitude.

"Usually, a team can't lose games that haven't been played," said Michigan State University physicist Dr. Liam Johannson. "But I believe that somehow, the Tigers' total lack of baseball skill has managed to create what I call a 'Vortex of Sh*ttiness' in the time-space continuum, and they're drawing these losses from a pocket dimension. It's also possible that some of last year's losses carried over into this season via a subspace wormhole. But while we continue our pursuit of the answers, one fact remains undeniable -- their on-field bungling somehow transcends physics, mathematics, and the rest of the known universe."

Some believe the reality-defying losses are the results of front office mismanagement, an accusation that team officials deny.

"I'm utterly shocked at these accusations," said team president/excessive drooler Dave Dombrowski. "We made some great moves last year, getting rid of talentless hacks like Mark Redman, Jeff Weaver, and Juan Acevedo, and bringing in...well, nobody in particular...but still, addition by subtraction, right?

"And we've brought up some good youngsters," added Dombrowski. "There are some great kids on the roster, like...whats-his-name...and...the other one. Did I mention that we have a nice, fairly-new stadium?"

Regardless of the reasons behind the team's 0-8 pre-start, Dombrowski has vowed to take up the issue with MLB. "Okay, maybe we're not a top contender this year, but still, can't they somehow fix this? I mean, there's no way we're as bad as the Devil Rays."

When reminded that the Tigers and Devil Rays finished with identical records last season, and that the Devil Rays have taken several steps to improve their ballclub this year, Dombrowski produced a revolver and proceeded to shoot himself in the foot.

However, despite Dombrowski's protests, the commissioner's office stated there will be no investigation. "I'm sorry, but those losses are on the record," said commissioner/made man Bud Selig. "This is an unfortunate occurrence, to be sure. If this happened to the Yankees, or the Phillies, or even the Marlins, we would take the necessary steps to correct the problem. But come on, it's the friggin' Tigers. No one really gives a rat's *ss about them anyway, so let's just move on."

Tigers fans were busy looking forward to the 2007 season and were unavailable for comment.