Wells Admits to Writing Book While Half-Drunk

Yankees pitcher/hops expert David Wells admitted last week that he was "half-drunk" while writing his new book "Perfect I'm Not! Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches and Baseball,'' an autobiography scheduled for release next month.

Wells, who in the book claims he was also "half-drunk" when he pitched a perfect game in 1998, says that the size of the project made it necessary for him to imbibe.

Wells' revelation might explain the erratic nature of his book, which opens with three chapters describing a particular episode of "Gilligan's Island", details how much he'd like to nail the waitress at a local Denny's, then finishes with a twenty-two page stream of profanity.

The book also describes Wells' tumultuous relationships with teammates. Wells insists Roger Clemens is jealous of his beer belly, says he has never forgiven Andy Pettite for beating him at Golden Tee, and chides teammate Mike Mussina for drinking "wussy, foo-foo cocktails."

Wells claims his intake of alcohol does not inhibit his abilities on or off the baseball field. "I do everything half-drunk -- write, pitch, drive, punch people at after-hours breakfast restaurants. Look at it this way: most baseball players take steroids, which make them aggressive and belligerent. I drink liquor, which at least makes me witty and charming for a little while before I turn aggressive and belligerent. So I'm really doing everybody a favor."