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Williams' Remains to be Used as Performance EnhancerThe remains of Hall of Fame slugger Ted Williams will be used as an ingredient in new performance-enhancing nutritional supplements, according to Williams’ son. Since Williams’ death on July 5th, his son and daughter have been fighting over his remains. Williams’ daughter, Bobby-Jo Williams Ferrell, said Williams wanted his body cremated and the ashes spread over the waters off the coast of Florida. John Henry Williams, son of the deceased, planned to have the body cryogenically preserved. The two were prepared to take the matter to court if a compromise couldn’t be reached. “I proposed that we just cut the old man in half,” said Williams’s son. “Unfortunately, my sister and I couldn’t agree on which half we would get. But it looks like we’ve finally found an answer.” According to the compromise, Williams’ remains will be cremated, and each sibling will then receive half of the ashes. Williams’ daughter Ferrell will spread her half of the ashes over the ocean, while Williams’ son will sell his portion to Xtreme Body Xplosion, Inc., the manufacturer of several performance-enhancing nutritional products. “I got the idea when my dad made his famous appearance at the All-Star game in 1999,” said Williams’ son while auctioning his father’s toothbrush on Ebay. “All the players were crowded around him, talking to him, shaking his hand, when all of a sudden, Sammy Sosa tried to take a bite out of his leg. I realized that my father’s body must have been giving off some sort of pheromone indicating its high nutritional value, and Sammy must have picked up on that. I’ve been playing the waiting game ever since.” “The remains of Hall of Famer Ted Williams are a wonderful, all-natural source of protein, vitamins, and Ted Williamsness,” said XBX spokesman Neil Hamshanks. “We plan to incorporate his essence into several new products, like Teddy Ballgame Creatine Heart Punch, Splendid Splinter Man-Boob Accelerator, and Uncle Ted’s Olde Fashioned Unflavored Glutamine Elixir. We’re even considering grinding Mr. William’s ashes into a fine paste to be used as some sort of hair remover or lip balm.
Players are enthusiastic about the prospects of ingesting Ted Williams. “Performance enhancers saved my career,” said Mariners second baseman/Charles Atlas look-alike Bret Boone. “A performance enhancer made out of a great player like Ted Williams would take me to the next level, and possibly help me grow bigger man-boobs, so I’m all for it.” Giants outfielder/ Barry Bonds was busy chewing on the adrenal gland of a mountain lion and was unavailable for comment.
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