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Diamondbacks
To Hold Strapped for cash and desperate to generate revenue, the Arizona Diamondbacks announced on Saturday that they will hold a yard sale in the parking lot of Bank One Ballpark next weekend.
The team considered several other options for raising cash, including a car wash, a fun run, and a bachelor auction, before deciding on a yard sale. "When we told Randy Johnson that we weren't having a bake sale, he cried," said team captain Steve Finley, "so we decided to let him set up a table and sell his pumpernickel bread and raisin roundies. They're actually quite good." Among the other items to be included in the yard sale are shortstop Tony Womack's old roller skates, a set of hubcaps from a 1986 Toyota Celica owned by catcher Damian Miller, and third baseman Matt Williams' collection of Night Ranger cassettes. "We're happy to help out the team," said Williams. "Plus, we get to dump some of our old crap in the process. Hey, I'll sell you this lamp for two dollars. You interested?" The yard sale is just the latest of the Diamondbacks' attempts to generate revenue. The team recently took out a $20 million loan to cover operating expenses, which marked the third time in the team's three-year existence that it has been forced to request additional cash. "I just don't understand why we keep running out of money," said Colangelo while shopping for diamond-encrusted fingernail clippers. "I guess we'll just have to raise ticket prices to $1000 each. But hey, what else can we do? We've got to stay competitive!"
Diamondbacks pitcher Matt Mantei was busy purchasing a dog collar and several jars of Vaseline and was unavailable for comment. |
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